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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Fwd: Election art

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Fwd: Pumpkins, Electoral Signs and Christmas Trees

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> Pumpkins, Electoral Signs and Christmas Trees
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> After Halloween, pumpkins look ridiculous hanging around the front yard. Their once broad grin and bright triangular eyes melt into themselves and give the appearance of a sixties movie star in need of a facelift. The same is true of Christmas trees and electoral signs of hopeful candidates. After their eventful day has past they're garbage
> Get them out of the yard! Get them out of the house! Get them off the streets! We don't want to see them anymore!
> To rid yourself of a pumpkin you just drop it into the new handy-dandy two wheeled Green Cart and TA -DAH it's gone. The dead tree that was once heralded in high esteem is back on the car roof off to the firemen who kill it some more by chopping it to mulch. But the election signs are not so easily trashed. No Green Cart or mulching for them. But they can be used for many projects around the house, or they can be shaped and formed to make a statement in the community.
> My Dad for example, back in the day when election signs were plywood, would support the candidate with party colours closest to our house colour. He didn't care what the party stood for he just wanted the plywood to build a crappy shed and fence. Both shed and fence matched in colour and also, unfortunately, vertical stability.
> Today's election signs are now made from plastic coated cardboard that have no shed or fence building qualities. Why a big gust of hot air would send them flying! (makes you wonder how they made it through the campaigning). So now one has to get creative to recycle and reuse this free windfall. Such as,...turning the sign around in your front yard and painting 'FOR SALE' on it. Very popular choice in Richmond. Or you could collect the signs and trade them with your friends. 'I'll trade you two Conservatives for a Green Party.' (much rarer)
> You could use the back of the signs and cut out pumpkins, snowmen and other outdoor decorations for the upcoming holidays. Save them for next summer and make a slip-n-slide for the family. What could give greater pleasure than sliding your butt across the face of that bum you elected now in Ottawa.
> Why not have the school kids make snow geese from them and flood their school fields with them so the real grass eating, pooh fouling field fowls can't.
> Use the back of the sign to write your appraisal of city hall completely in your native tongue with a rating from 1-10 at the bottom. Place the sign on the lawn at city hall and let them figure out if it's good or bad or the price of a dozen hot wings downtown.
> Be sure to save a least one election sign of the person you elected to represent you in Ottawa. And after a period of time (sometimes short, sometimes a little longer) when they screw up on an issue you hold dear, paint over all the sign except for their smiling face. Then again completely in your own tongue write 'I put this bum in Ottawa and all I got was this crumby sign!'
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> Bob Niles
> 8100 No. 3 Rd.
> 604-761- 2466

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Fwd: Artwork talking to me?

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Fwd: He's still driving,...but now it's me crazy!

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> He's still driving,.....but now it's me crazy!
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> A few years back my Dad's doctor thought that it would be better for the community, travellers on the roads, pedestrians on the sidewalks and people living in houses near a road that my Dad turn in his steering wheel. It was best that he and his love for Detroit steel separate, and to park old Betsie it in the garage.
> Yes no longer could he roll down the car window and call the driver in front of him a clown for,... well just for being in front of him probably. No longer would the 'I could park an 18 wheeler in there!' echo off the buildings while someone was trying to parallel park. He had lost his ability to safely operate a vehicle and to give circus related observations and self proclaimed mechanical feats from the comfort of his car.
> To get into the anger, inconvenience and loss of mobility he suffered,.....well that's just a given. But what was a surprise was how he acted out every time I had to drive him somewhere. It was like it was my fault he lost his license and he was going to get even.
> -He would never sit in the front seat of the car but directly behind me and play peek-a-boo while placing his hands over my eyes while I was driving.
> -He'd roll down the window and tell the guy in the next car I was drunk and that we were out to score more mixer.
> -He'd make me wear a cap so I looked like I was his chauffeur in my 1996 Honda Accord. And if I didn't wear the cap he would bark at people driving by.
> -I'd take him to his bank and he cried elder abuse and then agree to give me another $200 if I'd stop hitting him. And then he'd laugh his head off on the way out.
> -I'd take him to usual greasy spoon coffee shop with all his old cronies and he'd introduce me as his daughter that did a reverse Bruce Jenner.
> -He'd excuse himself from wherever we were, take the dog and go sit in the car with the windows rolled up on hot days.
> -He down loaded ice cream truck music on his phone and would play it out the window when we drove slow through school zones.
> -He'd play Chinese fire drill at lights only he wouldn't get back in the car.
> -He'd stand up through the sun roof, spread his arms and claim he's the king of the world with his shirt wide open wearing one of Moms bras.
> -He'd make me keep the windows up on especially hot days so people would think we had air conditioning.
> - If we got stopped by the cops for,....let's say impersonating an ice cream truck in a school zone he'd start doing this awful impersonation of Clint Eastwood doing Robert Dinero. 'You talking to me punk? Are you talking to me? Go ahead make my day punk.'
> -He'd tape baking powder up in plastic bags and hide them in the cars trunk. He'd then phone the cops and tell them we were on our way to a drug drop while on our way to his proctologist.
> -Called everybody clowns that couldn't drive to his standard and said that his son (me) would beat the crap out of them if they had anything to say about it.
> And so it was because of all this acting out and me getting beat up often, I made an appointment with his doctor to have his mental state assessed. He's in the waiting room chatting up the receptionist and nurses calling them all by name telling them hilarious jokes. Everyone in the waiting room think my Dads just great! He visits the doctor (makes me wait in the reception room) for half an hour then comes out all fine and happy. Doctor takes me into his office and tells me he's doing just fine and assures me I should have no concerns. 'Great!' I say and head back to reception just as my Dad steps back into the room. Says he had to see a man about a horse and tells the receptionist the men's head needs attention as all the toilets are overflowing. We slosh down the hall to the car park to find I have two flat tires. Dad said he'd be sleeping in the back seat and to wake him if he needed someone to hold the flashlight. He laughs his head off and crawls into the car for his afternoon nap.
> That was the last time I made my Dad go to the doctors. I gave up making him go anywhere. And after the time he went to church and just sat in the confessional booth till the priest got fed up and banged on the wall my mother gave up on him too. It wasn't so much as him just sitting there, it was the fact he told the priest to 'stop banging there's no toilet paper on this side either!'
> And he wasn't even Catholic! He just had an old joke he had to try before he died.
> I really hope God thought it was funny. We all did.
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> Bob Niles
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Monday, September 14, 2015

Fwd: You wanna screw for the hinge?







                                       You wanna a screw for the hinge?

In recent visits, extended visits, to Walmart I have become a bit unruly with the wife. I have taken the long drawn out tedious situation of being there and done everything possible to embarrass the wife, Walmart staff and total strangers. You might of read of some of my exploits on line. Such fun!
Well now the little lady is getting even while I'm at Canadian Tire. I mean I don't want her to go with me. I'd rather go alone, but she's devised this devious plan she thinks is funny and now wants to tag along with me to my guy store every time I go.
She's doing things like;

Getting a wheelbarrow, bags of lime, shovels and duct tape and stressing a sense of urgency to the store clerk that she has to get back to the car before her husband comes round.

Giggling insistently and like a little girl every time that she gets the clerk to repeat (because she keeps forgetting) the part on the toilet called the ballcock.

With two jumbo boxes of rat poison she asks the clerk in the gardening dept. if they knew of any recipes that included rat poison that her husband might like.

With chainsaw and plastic sheet in hand asks staff if they have any DVDs of Scarface.

Swings a camping hatchet from side to side and up and down while pointing out that this could do some serious damage down at the bank.

Asks staff where the numb nuts section as she's looking for her husband.

Walks up to a clerk with a fence hinge in hand and asks for,...oh but she can't remember the name of the kind of nail you use that twists into the wood to hold the hinge on. 'A screw?' The clerk says, 'you wanna screw for the hinge?' "No! But I'll let you get to second base for a toaster." She teases.

Complains 'the plumbing display department here is trash' every time she walks out of the ladies washroom.

Complains often and loudly she can't find the camouflage isle!

Enjoys annoying the auto department by asking for 'that thingy' for a 2010/ 6 cylinder Ford Explorer. And then after looking through pictures of parts for half an hour she gives them an 'Oh never mind, I remember now, it's a whatsit!'

Pretends she's a fashion super model as she does the catwalk down the well lit light display isle

Practises casting the fishing rods across as many isles as possible.

She uses a changing room (which was the shower curtain display) to try on her one size fits all paper overalls then complains that all the ladies in the store were watching her change. Not realizing all the bathroom cabinets with mirrors were across the isle.

Sets up 100 rat traps off the display rack in the women's washroom.

Drops 3/8ths lug nuts down all the butt cracks she encounters and then gives them the nod over my way like I did it.

Brings her leftover meatloaf (and there's usually lots. Taste like rat poison) and places cut up logs of it in the toilets on display in the plumbing department.

Tries to buy as much heavy stuff as she can to see if the car, with its bumper now on road will throw out sparks like in the commercial.

Every time I move my hand to point to something she jumps back like a beaten dog.  Then apologizes for being so jumpy and thanks me for letting her out of the box.

Screams KEVIN! Three times and gets them to lock down the store as she can't find her precious Kevin. After an hour of looking it's discovered Kevin (a gerbil) is still in her purse.

Swings a framing hammer from side to side and up and down while pointing out this could do some serious damage down at the bank.

Bob Niles







Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Fwd: Hang loose and stuff that cell phone in your centre console







                        Hang Loose and stuff that cell phone in your centre console

Every year new words, slang phrases and items invented with new names are added into our vocabulary.  And every year I seem to be asking the kids what the heck is, or does £%#€¥ mean. And because of modern slang I now can no longer go out in the garage and continue twerking around with the old video camera. I can't keep up with all the hip new slang! Nor do I want too. But I don't want to get caught twerking myself in the garage either.
 Besides my bad self another thing that hasn't kept pace with today's modern society is the hand gestures we use while driving. We've been using old outdated hand gestures for far too long.    
Our parents two car family of the 60s and 70s never had to deal with such distracted drivers as what is on our roads today. In their day all they needed were two hand gestures while driving and we seem to still be utilizing the same two outdated hand and finger suggestions. Thumbs up (seldom used) or the ever popular 'yer number 1 buddy!'
In the approval of ones driving in my parents day the thumbs up was the common form of praise. Not seen that often on today's busy roads. It's the centre finger extended upwards, was and still is the most common hand gesture out on our highways and byways that we tend to see most often today. I myself have been the recipient of its usage many times and for many different reasons. I think we need to be more specific and to the point in physical gestures on today's roads
One of the biggest problems found on modern roadways is the usage of hand held phones while behind the wheel. It's been scientifically proven we suck at driving when talking on a phone. This writer can profess that he too knows this for a fact within himself. And it's also a fact for any  #%€%# driver that dares get in front of me with a cell phone in his face. I think it's high time for new hand gesture to be implemented to specifically convey our displeasure for hand held phones. Oh sure we could use the old tried and true one finger salute but it's so often overused and for so many different other things which might cause confusion to our modern cell phone caller.
 The hand gesture I want to implement is, and here I must apologies to the Hawaiians, parts of Brazil, Puerto Rico, surfers and now apparently hang gliders. For I want to take the friendly hello, hang loose Shaka hand gesture and use it to relay to the driver in front of me to hang up (not loose) and stuff that cell phone in their centre console. The raised thumb and little finger with the other three fingers folded under depicts the old phone receivers and strikes a clear meaning to everyone, except, of course, for the above mentioned. The Shaka hand formation held to either ear, while laying on the car horn, is a clear indicator of you mimicking them on the phone. Then after you have their attention remove the hang loose gesture ( which is now the 'stuff that cell phone in your centre console' gesture) from the side of your face, wiggle it from side to side, and stuff it in your centre console. This will clearly and unmistakably depict your feelings to the offending driver.
I know it's not the shape of a modern cell phone but if I open my hand flat and hold it to my ear (like a cell phone) and then pull it away, point to it and do a clockwise counter clockwise turn of my hand,...well it looks like I'm doing some sort of East Indian dance.        (You just did it didn't you?)
This new hand gesture can also adopt to get off your cell phone camera while driving by simply bending the thumb up and down (in the 'stuff that cell phone in your centre console' gesture) like your clicking a shutter.   
To visually suggest to someone that's texting and driving, while they're still alive, honk the horn and extend all finger in a wiggly motion and combine it with the current 'yer number 1 buddy!'  hand gesture. Here combining a golden oldie with the latest hand finger combination is to create a truly well understood physical gesture.
On the odd occasion that someone might do you a good turn on the road I would suggest you try and do a good twerking together with them. My kids say people are doing it all over the social media thingy. What better way to say 'You're doing a good job on the road!' than twerking together. Just hold out your camera phone at arms length and get them in the picture with you.   And that's exactly what I did when a guy let me cut in front of him. We stopped at a light side by side I rolled down my window and ask if I could do twerking with him. After some strange looks and a shrug of the shoulders he agreed. Only thing is when I took out my camera phone to set up the shot he gave me a really strange look! So I say WTF? (why the face?) But soon we line up the shot and then this the guy behind us lays on his horn and gives us the hang loose sign bending his thumb up and down. So I flip him off and yell at him to....oh ya,...oops. Good thing he wasn't an ISIS guy and photo bomb us.

Bob Niles