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Sunday, December 29, 2013

Oh Tannenbaum (cartoon)

by Bob Niles

by Bob Niles

Oh Tannenbaum!

"If you're not doing anything! (and here, if I'm sitting in my underwear watching TV, I'm doing something) We had better do something about that 8 foot tree in the den, Honey!" My wife says as she heads out the door to work.
Now, focusing my superior intellect in what was just stated I surmise, that the 8 foot tree, is ole tannenbaum , and when she says we, she means me.
The very same tree that in years past we have gone to three different places for, before the right one was found. The tree we decorated, illuminated, irrigated and allocated so much time on, and for, has now become a burden, an unwanted eyesore, taking up room in what was once its place of honor. We...Me....I, have to get it out of the house! This visual stench, of what was once Christmas, evergreen splendor.
As a child, the tree was taken down every New Years Day. My parents, and here I mean my Mom, would de-decorate the tree, bobble by bobble. Painstakingly removing the tinsel, one by one, saving each piece for the next Christmas Tree. 'Waste not want not' She'd say, carefully placing each bright, limp, slender ribbon of silver over a cardboard card, which was then slid into its festive holiday box. My older brother told me that before I was born they would just have grandpa sneeze on the tree in place of tinsel. But, that it was proven to be unsatisfactory as soon as the Christmas lights on the tree began to heat up.
Once the tree was stripped of its holiday splendor, Dad would throw it in the trunk of the car, drive down the road and chuck it on the front lawn of the first neighbor that wasn't home. Problem solved! TA-DA
My problem at hand, I asked my neighbor with the pickup truck (thinking he might offer to take my unwanted prickly fire hazard) what he did with ole tannenbaum. As he cracked a beer he informed me his tree stayed up till Fathers Day. "Yup" Glug glug glug, "Leave er there till all the needles is gone. Then"...glug glug glug belch "Take er out back and save it for a fence post."
It was then I noticed that what he said was true. What remained of the few rotten four by four fenced posts, Christmas Tree stubs, in all their unholy splendor had intermingled their somewhat vertical lines to give a suggestion of horizontalness to its ten inch unpainted cedar slats.
"Make a day of it "Cranch! As he crushes the can, then tosses it into the back of the pickup. "Then if the weathers nice, every year the kids shave Dads back. Tradition! Get ready for the Summer. Don't want to gross people out now, do we?"
He then went on to talk of trucks that were monsters that were coming to town and something about other things as I stared at his fence posts wondering why I haven't noticed this earlier. I came to when something about crushing trucks.....no, trees, down near Steveston somewhere, "Thats what a lot of people do with their holiday fence posts." So, Steveston it is.
Now I thought I'd surprise the wife this year and have it done before she gets home. Before she climbs up on her box and announces "The holidays are over!" "You'd better get use to it!" "And don't you dare prove my mother right!" speech.
First, it's off with the lights that gave such a festive, warm glow to the room.
Then, the handed down bobbles of spun glass I lovingly remember as a kid. The ornaments the kids made so long ago in school are next. Memory after memory carefully placed in cardboard boxes that were never suppose to last this long. The once glorious tree, decked out in more bling than an MTV rapper, now stands naked as the day it pushed its slender stalk, through the rich dark soil of its mountain home. It's now garbage!
I throw the tree on the roof of the car. Tie it down with string that might not make it there without dissolving. All this then held together with knots placed here and there of equal inadequacy. "Who cares! " The tree fell off the car and rolled into someone's front yard. "OOOOOH!" Bit of the old man in me.
Well doggone it! The tree made it all the way there, to the 'How Much Wood Would A Woodchip Chip If A Woodchip Could Chip Christmas Tree Holiday Extravaganza'. Okay the title's made up, but it's fun to say.
I give the guy ten bucks, adding on to the ever growing price of a cut tree. He takes the tree and as fast as you can say Kris Kringle 'Brammmmp Ching Tinnngle' It's gone!
Wire, plastic and tiny bits of wood fly out the back end of the Log-O-Matic 3000 like they've been shot from a cannon
Surprise and anger alternate across both our faces. He starts off by yelling "How can you be so stupid!" And here when he says 'You' he means 'We'.Cause 'We', have just chipped to death one $300, 8ft. Blue Mountain Fir from Costco into shrapnel . "Can't you tell the difference between real and fake!"
"No 'We' can't," I counter, as I try to blend back into the crowd of curious onlookers that have come to see just what caused that noise.
"Did we .....FIND TIME......to take the tree down?" the front door says before my wife walks around it.
"Oh it's down alright honey." And when I say honey, I'm referring to a woman who is going to be a self made widow come next December when the truth be known about ole tannenbaum.


Bob Niles


bobby did this

Thursday, December 19, 2013

It's Great to be a Guy! (cartoon)

It's Great to be a Guy!

It's Great to be a Guy!


HappppyNewwwwYearrrrr fills the entire room and what little gray matter I have left between my ears. All three hands on the clock incriminate 12 as the reason for all the hoopla.
The start of a new year, the chance to start anew. January the oneth.
Two minutes later I break my wifes new years resolution (for me) as I trace a line with my belt buckle all around the first three inches of the midnight Buffett. She decided one of my new year resolutions was to cut down on my calorie intake. Lose 30 pounds (if you speak metric it's like getting in the car and doing 50 kph which is 30 mph then just switch it to weight) she decided it would be one of my resolution for this year. I countered by promising never to eat more than I can lift at any one time, which my plate, at his very point in time is challenging me with.
Plate piled high, but moveable, veins in my forearms and forehead protruding, I carefully navigate toward a feeding area and trip over a sleeping grand kid. Second new year resolution breaks as I attempt to stay upright and verbally express my disappointment and shock as my first broken resolution, and grandmas, now broken, country estate pattern hit the floor. And then, the once sleeping angelic cherub, turns on me and announces that another Loonie was to occupy the potty mouth jar.
In my defense, it wasn't an adult swear word. I just happened to mention an immovable object that holds back water as my, not one, but three chins and midnight snack were hitting the floor. But, it's a word the grand kids had started to use as an adjective a little too often. Sometimes three to a sentence. So it came to be that Loonies would suffer in an air tight jar at the top of the shelf every time that word and certain other words were used.
Two new year resolutions down and the hands in the clock were closer together than my thumb and index finger. How many more resolutions would end on this night? How many we're there? She had made me a list but I had left it at home. That in itself could be a violation of a resolution.
I have come to believe that new year resolutions are a womens thing. Let's face it ladies if it were up to us guys we would just keep going wayward in all our bad habits.
We could be 30 lbs (again refer to my driving analogy) overweight, walk naked past a full length mirror, suck in our gut and with two fingers pointed at our reflection, like the bartender from The Love Boat, make a clicking sound between our teeth and gums and pity the poor woman who could refuse this.
If a guy ever starts to feel like he might be getting a bit too excessive in any one bad habit we just look for an example worse than ourselves and find comfort that we aren't as bad as 'that guy.'
And it doesn't even have to be the same fault! When a woman perceives herself overweight she is always jealous of skinnier women and will set goals to loose weight. With guys if, let's say, he's 30 lbs ( you've figured it out by now) overweight and might somehow feel less than perfect, he doesn't look at a healthier male as a goal but rather finds fault in his choice of vehicles to better his self image. "Phffft the guy drives a 64 split window Corvette. Thing has a huge blind spot!"
So what if you've gone from eye candy to eye broccoli!
Happy happy happy is the couple where the wife has dropped that girlfriend promise they all make to each other. "I'm going to change him"
You know that promise all you women make when you announce to your friends of your intended betrothed. "If he asks me to marry I'll say yes. Oh I know he's always kidding around, he's overweight, has no sense of style and his hair is a disaster but I promise you once were married I'll change him into the man I've always wanted."
And with the start of each new year you revisit that challenge you've placed on yourself by encouraging him to look inward and make a resolution to do better.
Or you take a more proactive approach and make him a list. It seems like the only day of the year it's appropriate. Oh sure you think a change is needed every time you look at him as he watches his Scooby-Doo cartoons. All in his sweat pants finery, with his matching ripped tee-shirt. That once crazy head of hair now all wispy and thin as it clings on, fights the good fight to remain on his head. And it's not like he can't grow hair cause now his back, ears and nose all support some sort of exotic growth. Well at least he doesn't laugh so much anymore. Life sorta solved that problem.
So ladies as you enter your 'Stop-n-Start' season, we on the sidelines wish you well. As you stop the many things you perceive in your life as wrong or bad, and start to do better in mind, body and soul go forth knowing we are somewhere behind you. We might notice your hair is cut different, or you've lost a few pounds or you've adopted a favorite frock rather than buy a new one.
We might.....Then again, we might not. But please forgive us we're men. This is a rough season for us as you go about trying to better with your life and us along with it. You go girl! Do your thing! But we're happy minding the small things that somehow take up our time.
Men take comfort as you watch the wife and her girlfriend power walk out of the driveway. They and many women like them all walking and jogging around the neighborhood while you with coffee and doughnut in hand survey their struggles from the comfort of your domain. To us January the oneth is college football, not a day to get all excited about changing things all around. Relax. Turn up the thermostat...oh poop! It's metric. Excuse me I've got to go to the car.

Bob Niles





bobby did this

Thursday, December 5, 2013

How Cold Is It?

How Cold Is It?

I've concluded my extensive scientific survey on how people are dealing with, or what they've experienced during this cold snap. When asked 'How cold is it?' I have found people to be very resourceful, observant and inventive in their pursuit of internal warmth.
The following are my observations.

It's So Cold.....

Religious leaders are worried. Congregation feels some things said about Hell are not really that bad.
Hitchhikers are holding up picture of thumb.
A flasher ran up to old Mrs Ferguson and described himself.
City Halls approval rating has spiked! From52% to 85% once the wind chill is factored in.
Teddy bears are being shoved from beds in favor of electric appliances.
Kids are playing outside only as far as electric cord will go.
I'm wearing so many clothes that when I slipped on the ice and fell over I had to wait for someone to roll me back home.
I eat all the wrong foods with the hope of heartburn.
I'm kissing people with the flu virus with the hope of coming down with a fever.
My grand kids thought I grew a goatee. Turned out to be frozen drool.
Groping on city busses is now accepted as long as your wearing woolly mitts.
Bedbugs promise not to bite as long as you let them cuddle in your jammies
Smokey the Bear grabbed a box of matches and ran into the forest.
Silly Putty turned serious!
P Diddy while visiting our fair city changed his name to Frozen P.
It's no longer the finger...I got the mitt while driving.
I went to shower....I got hail.
Firemen can't get to burning buildings. It seems crowds want to hang around someplace warm.
I won't drive my grand kids to school any more. I've decided they don't need an education.
I don't use my seatbelt in the car anymore. Who needs a belt when you're frozen to the seat!
I've found sitting on a smoldering compost heap is not that bad.
All the ornaments I've hung on the Christmas Tree have all crowed around the top to get warm from the glow off he star!
It's been so cold even Rob Ford's not blowing hot air!

Bob Niles

Thursday, November 21, 2013

by Bob Niles

by Bob Niles

Old Man Gordon and His Christmas Promise

"911 what's your emergency?"
" The neighbour next door has fallen off a ladder on to the sidewalk! 6580 Elm Crescent. He's in and out of consciousness, knows where he is.............He's 85! .......He was hanging Christmas lights. Same old single string of lights he hangs every year.......His name? Ah, Gordon, Mr Gordon. Don't know his first name never did. Lived in the same neighbourhood all my life never new his first name. Just Old Man Gordon. ........He's having trouble breathing! Hurry! ........Yes I'll wait."
That was six weeks ago in early December when Mr. Gordon was taken to the hospital. He died two weeks later, just before Christmas, due to complications because of his advanced age and failing health. Doctor said he would of died right on the sidewalk had I not seen him fall and and called 911. Big deal. Three extra weeks of life, barely conscious, alone in a hospital at Christmas. And your only visitor is a man that has know him all of 58 yrs., and only by Old Man Gordon.
In my defense, he never took to anyone. He and his wife stayed alone. My Mom said they never got over the tradgety of their young daughter dying. And after his wife died he was barely seen at all. Outside of cutting his lawn, the only time he was seen was going for groceries, to church and to put up his, 'every year the same', Christmas decor.
One old energy sucking, fire starting string of 14 multi coloured lights that he hung just over the front door. And in the yard, year after year he placed the first Christmas, manger scene. Ever since I was a boy, he set up and arranged his plywood Christmas scene. And year after year it got more and more faded, chipped and warped. He just let it age. Never bothered to refresh the paint or nail the pieces that were separating from his Biblical characters that were parting like the Red Sea.
And as long as I can remember the Baby Jesus was not even part of the scene. It was just three wise men, a shepherd, two cows, one sheep, a camel, Joseph and Mary. All looking at the ground!
As kids we would always find something to place on the ground that was drawing their attention. An old bike, a wheelbarrow, a basketball, my sisters Barbie, or one time a baby snowman. Us kids all got a good laugh as to what had drawn this collection of plywood people to 'Old Man Gordons' yard.
It became tradition for kids in the neighbourhood to carry on the sinning we had started as kids. Old Man Gordon just left there whatever we left there. If he had of removed the baby snowman we would of replaced it with something just as stupid.
And then about ten years ago Mary never made it out to the front yard to look at an old red lawn mower the kids had dragged there. Now it was just a bunch of faded, warped guys and farm critters hanging out in the front yard. Could of been any front yard in Alberta. (sorry Alberta I couldn't spell the province on your right)
At the funeral I had mentioned that very fact to Old Man Gordons ( who's real name was Lloyd Arthur Gordon) sister. She clasped my hand and with a pained smile thanked me for my help tomorrow.
It was early that next day I had walked over to find a car in Mr. Gordon's drive. It was Myrtles ( Mr. Gordons sister) car. I had promised her to help clear out her brothers house and yard.
We started on the carport and yard. She had rented a large dumpster to clear away a life of living. Memory after memory, item after item, garbage after more garbage started to fill the giant bin.
Carport complete, I started with the plywood guy-fest in the front yard. It fell apart in my hands! The camels head ripped off. Joseph's staff crumbled into tiny pieces. A sheep with no legs, and ancient men of wisdom, minus heads, and gifts we're all cast into a dumpster of Mr. Gordons life.
This is how I'm going out too I said to Myrtle as I sipped my coffee in the carport. We had stopped for a break in what was going to be a long day.
My house is filled with so much of my stuff that I should throw out, but, just don't. She shook her head in agreement and accused us all of the same crime.
This was followed by a long uncomfortable pause, broken only by lips vibrating over the top of hot coffee.
" Why did he never replace the Baby Jesus in his Christmas scene?" I asked. (to fill the carport with something other than silence)
She turned and bent her index finger several times and said "Follow me."
She opened an old screen door and then even an older back door, that both had something to screech about. Then she picked her way down a cluttered hallway of books and papers. We past rooms filled with his old belongings and now forgotten memories. Ben-gay, old carpet and cat urine filled my nose. I didn't even know he had a cat! Now I'm thinking a dead cat! Is this what I'm going to become? An old man with a cat, in a stinky house.
"Watch your first step down the stairs here. The basement is where he spent most of his time. His wife Effie had the main floor for her needs and Lloyd kept to the basement, even after she died ten years ago."
Each stair mentioned its age as I tread carefully down a steep incline, all the while thinking, I'm going to have to carry Myrtle back up this ladder disguised as a staircase.
"Let me get the lights." Myrtle said from somewhere in the dim.
Before she could say 'There we go.' out jumped a four ft. tall artificial Christmas tree, electrified in bright happy splendor. Kneeling to the right side of the tree was our long lost Mary from the front yard. And placed at her knees just under the tree was Baby Jesus. Both beautifully painted and cared for. Our once faded Mary, all tattered and torn, now shone with what looked like a new purple cape and beige dress. She'd dyed her hair and got new head gear too. All thanks to a new coat of paint and glue. The Baby Jesus whom I'd never seen, but was neighbourhood legend to have been, was as if brand new. Both Mary and her baby lovingly cared for by an old man who seemed to care about nothing.
What...Why said my face and hands as I tried to make sense of such a loving well cared for scene.
"Effie and Gordons baby was taken from them at a very young age." Myrtle started. "She died a crib death in her first year. After that, Lloyd was never the same. It was to be their only child. It was that next Christmas he removed Baby Jesus from the front yard."
" If I can't have my baby, God can't have his." I blindly stated.
"Not in any way!" Myrtle pointed out. "It was more ...., God, I know you're taking care of my only child in Heaven, so I will care for yours here on earth. And then when his Mary died, he vowed the same thing again for his Mary. I'll promise to take care of yours, and you take care of mine."
A tear that was cleverly disguised, and past off to my allergy of cats, was wiped away with the back of my hand. I choked back an out of place chuckle and marveled at the love he must of had for his only child. And again silence filled a space we both shared. I thought the moments silence was appropriate. It was after some time, and several failed attempts, that Myrtle and I got out of the basement, and then back to ridding the neighbourhood of the memory of a man nobody knew. A man that cared for nothing here on earth. Someone I felt sorry for, because he had died alone in a hospital. But, I now know he is where he always wanted to be, holding his only child and wife together forever.
When we die our families and friends treat us as Mr. Gordon treated Mary and Baby Jesus. They take our cardboard cut outs (pictures) and place them in books held with high esteem. Displays of our lives, that are so cared for that if the house were to catch fire that would be the one thing that would make it out safe. We guard and hold strong to that memory, knowing with certainty that God is now taking good care of them in heaven.
I asked Myrtle if I could keep Mary, Baby Jesus, Sparky ( the string of Christmas lights) and the stray cat, that I named Gordon. She, I guess also allergic to cats, clasped my hand and mentioned that her brother would of liked that.
There was one more thing I took of Mr. Gordons, a film reel marked Christmas 1963-1969. On it was Old Man Gordon and his wife filming us in the dark, laughing their heads off as we attempted year after year to fill that void in their Nativity scene. He knew each of our names and kept saying how Mary would of loved to have been a part of the shenanigans.
Old Man Gordons only child lived on in his heart each Christmas just as we should remember Gods only Child this Christmas and every Christmas.

Gordon Niles January 30, 1924 - December 20, 1996









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Thursday, November 14, 2013

How to Fill Two Birds in Ones Home. (cartoon)

How to Fill Two Birds in Ones Home

We are the winter stopover for about 100,000 Snow Geese every year. And, every year they eat, poop, and turn all the school grounds and parks into mud holes. The following story is a solution to mine and the citys problems .


How to Fill Two Birds in Ones Home

Well I finally got rid of my fruit flies. I caught two Snow Geese that now live full time in my kitchen.
Snow Geese are fairly easy to catch. To do this, put a green garbage bag over your head, (remember to cut holes for you arms and head) and then one over your lower extremities, and paint a white line from head to toe. You disguise yourself as a field goal line and just lay on the grass and wait for the geese to come.
Should a soccer game begin before the geese arrive its best to clear yourself of the field. Those little kids have a mean kick!
When the geese arrive look for two of the gray ones to capture. They are the young ones and they will adapt to home life a little easier. You can train the young ones to stand completely still when the wife enters the room. This will extend your lie that she's just hearing things and, you'll get points for adding to her kitchen ceramic goose collection.
Don't worry of any backlash as you walk home with your newly acquired fruit fly eating fowl. Walking with one under each arm you're treated as more of a hero, than a poacher.
Don't ask the wife if you can bring a couple of geese home either....cause she's going to say "NO!" And, try to hide the fact as long as possible that geese are living in the kitchen. This will require many nights of eating dinners out. Plus you will also have to develop a cold that has a cough with a honking quality. And you will cough a lot!
Upon her discovery (and she will eventually catch on) of your kitchen marvels, make sure you section off a part of you house that has access to the kitchen and a bathtub. You don't want them running the house! Always have water in the tub, as geese like to swim. And let the wife know which tub is occupied. Getting into the tub already occupied with geese is apparently upsetting.
This writer knows that they will try to trick you into taking them for a walk. Don't do it! I fell for it twice. Each time I had to go back to he field and brave territorial marking dogs, poopie geese and Pee-Wee soccer players to collect two more kitchen helpers.
It's expensive, and a bit troublesome, but remember your getting rid of the fruit flies in your kitchen. No price is too much.

Bob Niles
superiordribble@blogspot.com

Please note
No dolphins were hurt during the development of this story. And to be truthful, no geese were either. I never could find a green garbage bag big enough to fit me!


bobby did this

Monday, November 11, 2013

Anchor (picture)

by Bob Niles

by Bob Niles


The Neighborhood Anchor

I drove past our favorite tree early this morning. With the car window rolled down, and elbow protruding, as if to hold the window there, I breathed in deep the sweet perfume of Autumn. The bright soft green leaves of early Spring now lay crisp on the frosty ground. The bold reds of the Canadian Maple blanket the hatless acorns of the mighty Oak, as sunlight filters through the evergreen splendor of the towering Redwood Pine.
It's our tree! The one we all share separately together. On our way to work, in the neighbors yard, back in a quiet corner of the park. The one we all know as the neighborhood anchor. Houses and neighbors come and go, but our tree remains a living constant. It's location and Autumn splendor are different for everyone of us, but it's so familiar in how it brings that moments pause in our daily hustle at this time of year.
We were all born in different places, grew up with different families and traditions. From our diets to interests, religions, educations and location we all share an uncommon upbringing that is united in its beauty and wonder.
As a child you played under that tree. A few years go by and on a double dog dare you conquer it's lofty height. Then with your first love, under her dappled shadows, you steal your first kiss. Then it becomes a backdrop for our wedding photos. And then in a flash of a moment its a canopy that protects a picnic with the kids. And then again, all too soon, your final wedding vow is fulfilled, and time finds you alone with all your memories, as you sit on a bench in its cool shade on a warm Summer afternoon.
Our tree. For one more beautiful Autumn, its deep rooted continuity in our lives has again brought us to pause and marvel.

Bob Niles

superiordribble@blogspot.com


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Friday, November 8, 2013

Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Drip Drop

Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Drip Drop

Are you like me? Have you got that one clock in a room, somewhere in your house, that you just don't bother to 'Fall Back' or 'Spring Ahead' with? A clock that makes that one room in your house a time zone unto its self.
It's a clock that for 6 months of every year is an hour off. In my case the old digital clock is always on daylight savings time. I've long forgotten what buttons to push and in what order to do it in to move it ahead or back sixty minutes. About ten years ago I got it on Standard time where it sat for probably three and a half years. Till one day my wife had some relative coming to stay in that room while the Daylight Savings Event was on. So, after some lively encouragement from the wife, I spent the better part of two hours and 'Sprung Ahead' old Digit.
Now a days all my wifes relatives get a motel when they come to town. My sleep walking and bed wetting worked. (Okay I've got issues).
So old Digit just stays at the time where he can squeeze the most sunlight out of each day. Oh I guess I could wake up at midnight and quickly unplug and then plug him back in again, but that seems like killing him and then restarting his heart again. What if I can't bring him back? My little room all unto itself serves me just fine. It's like a time machine right in my basement. Walk in the room, and you are magically transported one hour ahead. I wish I had a room like this as a kid!
"Go to your room and do your homework for an hour!" my Dad would yell. "Heck, I'll do an hour and ten Dad!" I always did an excellent job on title pages for Social Studies and the extra ten minutes should have it covered.
Walking out of the aforementioned room with the magic digital clock you go back in time. Upon exiting the room you now know what rooms to avoid from your homework pushing father, cause you were just there! Back in time!
My wonder working clock with its four sets of red numbers from 0-9 was given as a wedding gift (But now it's mine. Not hers! She said I could have it!). It use to be an answering machine as well as a clock, but as it got older it became like me, and realized it didn't have the answers anymore. And I unknowingly became like Digit, always a little off of the time, with the rest of the household.
Me and my ticking digital clock, together for all time!
Oh!....Hang on its not ticking. It's the faucet in the bathroom basement counting off the seconds. I should get around to that........Nawh! The wife says the basement is my world. I'm King Here! A kingdom where faucets will keep time to clocks that are wrong for half of the year and ruled by a king that can wet a bed from four paces (well not now).
BeepBeepBeepBeep
Oh, time for my pills..........or was that an hour ago?

Bob Niles
superiordribble.blogcast


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Thursday, November 7, 2013

Hello (cartoon)

"HELLO! HELLO? EXCUSE ME! HELLO!"

"HELLO! HELLO? EXCUSE ME! HELLO!"

RINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRI
"Excuse me......Hello?....Excuse there,....yes you, ah, Santa...........Oh no, no problem, I guess you couldn't hear me cause of you ringing them bells.........Oh and a Merry Christmas to you too! And a Happy New Year. I was just wondering, could I just get around you there?......Oh yes it is quite a big job, LOL as the kids say.......Could I just step past you there?............Yes it is very crowded with all this Christmas display....very pretty. ......where has the year gone eh? Well you know there's just about two months left in the year so we're really only 10 months into the year..........Yes, yes so much to do before the 'Big Day'.....If you could just stop ringing for a moment, I need to get around you....well yes if you could just step aside that would be great!.......Yes of course be careful, don't want to break anything with only 2 months before your big night.......Yes, it's right behind you there that I need....No, no not the Christmas decoration.....Yes, that's it the box with all the poppies, I want to purchase one..... Well, maybe that's best, why don't I just hand you the money, there seems to be too much Christmas in the way of me and my poppy..... .....Thank-you......Yes I do wear it proud.....It's on November11th, Remembrance Day,......Great! You'll be there. Good for you! But, maybe next year, and here don't take this personal, it's okay if you and Christmas don't hit town till the 12th. I hope this doesn't put me on the bad list? I mean I love Christmas, but if you could just wait, hold off all the Christmas noise till we have our moment of silence to remember the fallen. They that paid the ultimate price, to be remembered.....Greatly appreciated! RINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRIN RINGRINGRINGRINGRIN

Bob Niles
superiordribble@blogspot.com



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Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I Wish You a ....

I Wish You a ....
by Bob Niles

"Make sure you wish Mommy a happy birthday when she brings your cereal." I said to my 4yr. old granddaughter.
My daughter and granddaughter live in our suite downstairs. Both Charlotte (granddaughter) and I get up early, and she likes to come upstairs and watch Sesame Street together. I greatly enjoy this time as I do look foolish watching Sesame Street by myself. Unlike Jeopardy, I get all the questions right here though.
After about 30 min. of the letter 'S' and the number '12' mom comes upstairs with the Fruit Loops.
"Happy Birthday!" I proclaim as I draw out the birthday part.
Crickets. All I heard were crickets creaking (well if I had any you could of heard them) as Charlotte just sat there looking like she had fallen asleep.
"Ah thanks! 29 for the third time." mom says. "Charlotte hurry and eat up. Mommy's got to get to work and you've got to get ready.......Okay?"
"Okay Mom!"
Mom heads back downstairs, and I poke her in the ribs with a "What's with that I told you to wish Mom a happy birthday."
"I did!" she defends.
"When? Earlier this morning?"
"No just now. I closed my eyes and wished. If you say a wish out loud, it doesn't come true you know. You told me that."
True enough that conversation had happened when on her birthday she was just about to blow out the candles on her cake. "Make a wish. But don't tell anyone or it won't come true." I told her.
Now, we all know that unwritten rule that silence is golden when it comes to wishes. So I ask, have we been doing it wrong all these years by vocalizing and singing festive wishes? Have we placed the chance of having a 'Happy' or 'Merry' anything in the dumpers by verbal acknowledgement of ones day, year, holiday or event?
And now with the magic of the inter-webby-thingie and the book of faces with people twittering, tweeting, inter-texting and many other 'ings' everybody from grandma to the paperboy you had four years ago, types out a public wish to ruin your chance of a happy or merry anything.
This is why the world is so screwed up! No ones wishes come true cause everyone let's everyone know what they are! People are standing around wishing pools and wells proclaiming their wishes as if it were a God given right. Why the once magical kerplunk of the coin is now drowned out by the cries of deal making people that are owed a wish

Four hour later

Okay I've taken my meds and cooled down now. And going out on a limb like that I guess was silly too. ( not the first time I've fallen out of a tree though. As a kid in a cradle the wind came up while in a tree top. Which explains a lot)
All tongue in cheek. But I found Charlottes answer very interesting. Told what to do, and with her knowledge of a wish and how they work, it was executed perfectly. It was me that had it wrong!

Bob Niles
superiordribble@blogspot.com


bobby did this

Friday, November 1, 2013

125 Minutes to write 60. (cartoon)

It Took Me 125 Minutes to Write About 60

It Took Me 125 Minutes to Write About 60

Lucky us! We are given 60 minutes this weekend. It only happens twice a year! 60 free minutes to do with whatever you will. It's like God reaches down his hand and says "SAY, DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE FOR ME? NO? WELL I'LL GIVE YOU 60 OF THEM ANYWAY!" ( I think he'd talk loud so I used loud letters)
Now what do I do? Do I spend, invest, or give away my 60 minutes?
Do I go to the mall and spend them? Or blow them at the driving range? How about if I just wasted them and watched TV? I know I'll go to the spa and spend them on me. Me Me Me Me! They're mine! They were stolen from me last Spring and now I'm going to enjoy them! Me deserves them 60 minutes. Plus, I'll borrow some from work on Monday and make a day of it. They have a lifetime of my minutes and I want some back! Naaa, I talk big but I won't do it.
I've got so many minutes of my life invested in my job. Twenty-five years of minutes invested in the warehouse. Someday it'll pay off though, and I'll have a nice job upstairs in the office. The kids in the warehouse say I'm just wasting time down here. They say I need to march upstairs with my portfolio of invested minutes and prove to them their time is being wasted with me in shipping. It hurts when you invest so much of your time, for them, and now it's they who are wasting it.
When I was young I had plenty of time to waste, for I knew I had much more tomorrow. Now, time for tomorrow seems an uncertainty. The time I've invested and the time I've spent won't buy me tomorrow.
Invested time, is time with, and for others. At an early age it starts with family, then you buddies at school, girlfriends ( here, there was much interest in this investment) and then a wife. Kids hopefully become part of the investment in time, and then on to Grandkids.
This person has found invested time is much more rewarding than spent time. And, I find it easier to remember invested time. Always someone there to help you remember times together. You invest with them, they invest with you. Together you build interest.
But sadly for us all time runs out. We've all experienced family or friends that this has happened to. Imagine what they would give to have just but 60 minutes more. What would they do with 60 minutes more? Go to the mall? Driving range? watch TV? Or get a much needed cleanse at the spa? ( if you were dead, then not dead, I think it would be important).
No I think they would give it to you. Time given is selflessness. They would give each second of each minute to the people they loved for that hour. Not a moment wasted! Given time is easily forgotten by you, but greatly remembered by others. Time given is the greatest way to experience a moment
So come this Sunday morning when you wake up with that extra hour in your daytimer, and consider its fate, use it to the best of your ability. Enjoy it, share it or give it, but don't waste it. Time flys so quickly, and soon you're out of it.

"Yesterday has gone. Tomorrow has not yet come.
We have only today. Let us begin."
Mother Teresa

Bob Niles
superiordribble@blogspot.com




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A How to Trick-er-Treat on November 1st. (cartoon)

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Fwd: A How to Trick-er-Treat on November 1st



bobby did this

Begin forwarded message:

From: Bob Niles <selinbob@gmail.com>
Date: 31 October, 2013 4:30:15 PM PDT
To: selinbob@yahoo.com
Subject: A How to Trick-er-Treat on November 1st




                        A How to Trick-er-Treat on November 1st

"Trick-er-Treat!" A common cry heard round all the neighborhoods on the eve of October 31st. But, on the eve of November 1st is when all the cool stuff is to be had from door to door.
You don't have to settle for the tiny little bags of treats that so commonly fill Halloween baskets on the 31st. Your aim is much greater! On the 1st of November competition is minimal or non existent at best. Home owners filled with guilt after trying to eat all the leftover candy are more than willing to rid their home of any and all chocolate, salty, or sweet treat. Why it's been my experience they go through the house and bring out the big bags of goodies too. Guilt is a wonderful thing to work off of.
The tricky part of trick-er-treating a day late is to do it with confidence and to sell it. In previous years I have gone as that rabbit from 'Alice in  Wonderland'. "I'm late, I'm late, I'm very very late!"
This year I'm going as Kanye West.
Location is also important to door to door deception of the afore mentioned eve. Find a housing group or community (perhaps gated) with mostly seniors in it. October 31st-November 1st it's all a hurried blur to a permanent dirt nap. They'll answer the door defending their thoughts that a year has gone by and even  mention 'Where  has the time gone! Seems like yesterday you kids were trick-er-treating round here.'  At this point cause a distraction. Jingle your Unicef Box at him and tell him it's for Brad and Angelinas  kids. Don't really want to have them fully cognizant before you make your escape to the next house.
If someone calls you on it and mentions " Halloween was yesterday Dufass!" Just do exactly what you saw and heard from all the elderly you collected from earlier. As if waking from a slumber "Oh, oh, ah, ya right.' start to leave, turn back, then jingle Brad and Angelina's box. "Collecting or the kids." Justify your off night call.
Yes boys and girls it's there for the taking. I wish you luck!
Happy Halllo-after-ween!

Bob Niles

superiordribble@blogspot.com


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Christmas Trees, Pumpkins and Spent Nuclear Fuel (cartoon)

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Christmas Trees, Pumpkins and Spent Nuclear Fuel

Christmas Trees, Pumpkins and Spent Nuclear Fuel

"Grandpa, I want the biggest pumpkin we can find!" screeches my granddaughter as she's set free from her four point harness in the grandpa mobile. It's all I can do to restrain her four years of constant muscle building from running out into traffic. I hold tighter to her hand and promise her it will be the biggest one there, hoping my 58 yrs. of muscle decay can lift it. We don't want a repeat of last year when I went to lift the pumpkin ( and it wasn't the biggest one!) and my body said 'Fat chance fat boy!' and then backfired!
Squatting like some Sumo wrestler, with your chin between your knees, which are trying to spread wide enough to encompass this great orange gourd, you inhale,turn your face a lovely beet red, pop a few veins on the forehead and the only thing to move, is air from somewhere inside you, out to the great outdoors!
Well there's a Halloween moment the wife will never forget. And she takes full opportunity to share her love of a good laugh with her friends at my expense!
The biggest pumpkin is then followed, less than two months later, with the biggest Christmas tree! It's got to be the straightest, fattest, waterlogged Spruce ever offered to mankind. It's enough to make me change religions. Oh sure before the celebrated event occurs they are a harvested thing of beauty. But after the candy's handed out and the presents given, they're as worthless as chicken poop on a pump handle.
Now you have to rid yourself of this once heralded growth of wonder to the garbage heap.
"Garbage Heap!?" My seven yr. old granddaughter (the one with the education) exclaims and questions. "You cant just throw Alexica ( she named the pumpkin) away, you have to recycle it!"
Well I sort of do recycle it. I leave it on he back fence and watch its once finely chiseled face start to melt like some Hollywood 'A Lister' who refuses plastic surgery. I tried to take it to Value Village one year so it could go to a good home, ......but no luck. Nobody wants my pant-splitting, vein popping, wind breaking giant orange gourd. But at least it's easy to return to nature.
Unlike the Christmas Tree, which looks great in the house till Fathers Day.....I think. That tree is a pain to rid yourself of. Oh sure you could put it on the roof of your car, a g a i n and take it to some distant point and have a fireman chip it to smithereens for a donation. But I'm still upset at the original cost of a dead tree called Christmas. I'm not spending any more to kill it some more. Some years I wish it would catch fire and burn! It's easier to build a new room than dis-cabobbling it in all it's splendor, putting decorations back in boxes, dragging it down halls knocking off pictures, and then through three doorways that do their best to remove every needle that this tree ever had. My eight foot epic Christmas monument is now the size and girth of a Charlie Brown tree. The rest is in the couch, easy chair, rugs and floors.
Maybe a deposit on these things. I could bring them back and get money and be happy. My memory would of completely forgotten I had already paid for me to come back to get the money I had already given you. Knowing me I'd just save them up till it was worth a trip.

"I'll take 'Garbage' for $200 Alex"
"Christmas Trees, Pumpkins and Spent Nuclear Fuel"
"What are three things my wife doesn't want to see in our backyard come the Spring, Alex."
"No..,I'm sorry. It's what is a Fir, Kin, Waste

In our house both answers were correct.

Bob Niles

superiordribble@blogspot.com


bobby did this

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Oh How Sweet My Sundaes Were (cartoon)

Oh How Sweet my Sundaes Were

Oh How Sweet my Sundaes Were

Words and music by Bob Niles.

My Dad now looks over at his four boys sitting quietly in the pew, shirts stuck to their backs, hair plastered to their heads soaked in sweat. His little army for the Lord all taking notes on the sermon of which he himself had no idea what it was about. Content that we were finally well behaved he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a gun.
Three hours earlier:
"Boys! Gordon! Supper!
It was 5:30 on any Sunday Night, and my Mom was calling her family for a quick dinner before church. We were a Sunday go to two meetings kinda Christians. Church, and traveling to and from church was our Sunday. With a half hour commute either way, traffic willing, and going to two services, it took up more than two hours in travel time alone. This combined with a preacher, that I'm sure got paid by the hour, and who liked to make a few extra bucks on a Sunday, it became a day that was not one of rest. As well, our hire by the hour pastor wanted a half hour of pre-service prayer before every service. Because of all this Mom wanted an easy to prepare dinner, and one she felt would be a treat for her four boys.
Solution? Ice-cream and cookies!
What a great idea! Let's load four pre-teen boys up on sugar and then make them sit.....sorry, try and sit still in church for a couple of hours. And then let's do it every week because her boys just loved ice-cream and cookies.
In my Moms defense it was the sixties and the effects of sugar on four hyper boys had never been tested,.......unless you count us.
I loved being a Christian! Ice-cream and cookies every Sunday. Us boys figured all the preacher had to do to win souls was just to let all them sinners in on my Moms recipe for a pre-service meal. Hell-fire and damnation! No! Ice-cream and cookies! And you get to go to heaven, filled with enough milk and honey to make ice-cream for all eternity.
The only bad thing about our Sunday meal was that it was Moms one chance to pray for the food during the week. She seemed blind to the fact that ice-cream will melt if you pray long enough. This being her one kick at the can for the week she made sure she thanked God for all he had done since last Sunday, and everything she hoped for till next Sunday, for everyone and everything. All the missionaries in far off countries, all her family, all my Dads family, the neighbors that needed salvation, her friend at work with the dry patchy skin, the lady two doors down that had lost her cat.....on and on she went thanking God for her beautiful garden, the lady in the lost and found at church who located her umbrella, and there's my ice-crane evaporating in front of me. It's shrinking! My precious Sunday meal, the reason I'm a Christian, is shrinking! Doesn't my Mom, a true friend of God, pray during the week? Why did she go on and on and on?
Then I hear it, the word that ends all prayers, my four favorite letters. 'Amen'. It's Christian for let's eat!
My once rock hard mountain of ice-cream now renders to my spoon like mash potatoes. No chance of a brain freeze here! If only Mom could trade for Tuesdays she could pray all the way to 8:30 if she wanted. Cold meatloaf is as good as hot meatloaf.
Dinner done and it's in the car. Off to church.
Our arrival at church was at about the same time the sugar in our blood stream was pulling into crazy town. We couldn't wait to jump out of the car, we were like hound dogs on the trail of a late night possum. My three brothers and I would run all the way into church, howling as we ran. Dad always parked a few blocks from church, it gave time for Mom and him to take a nice leisurely walk to church while his boys feverishly chased the trail of some imaginary game.
Into the church burst four boys as if chased by the devil himself. Crisp white shirts stuck to our backs with sweat. If we had run all the way in the rain we wouldn't have looked any different. Only difference, we would have been steaming. Zoom! Off to the prayer room for a half hour of pre-service prayer. Now our church encouraged lively prayer, and that's just what they got from us four boys. I think the church elders were quite impressed with the high level of energy my brothers and I brought to pre-service prayer. Stand-up, kneel-down, hands raised, swaying back and forth, jumping up and down and all the while loud hallelujahs ringing off the rafters was what we gave them. But to most people looking on I'm sure it looked more like four crazed hounds howling at the moon.
The Sunday Evening Service would usually start with lively songs of praise, which were easy to enter into by us boys. We would clap our hands tap our toes and sway to the music in a rhythm slightly faster than four-four time. Our cheeks and ears were a brighter red than Christmas candy. Sweat covered our foreheads and trickled down our backs, we gave off more BTUs than the old boiler in the church basement. Lots of movement with our arms and legs, singing and clapping was what we needed to release our build up of energy. Slow songs and equally slow sermons were our downfall.
On a slow worship song we were louder, several words ahead (and usually not the right ones) and out of tune. We had to sit on our hands to stop from out of tempo clapping through 'Amazing Grace'. Our Dad had a whole bag full of stern, don't you dare embarrass me looks that would shut us down and keep us in line. Now what we needed was a new way to burn off a sugar buzz.
Pain was found to be a great reliever of hypertension. Pinching your brother beside you and refusing to squirm was a great detractor to a sugar high. It was always the first one to move or bleed was the one that lost. If you were standing in quiet praise, squishing your brothers thumb on the pew in front of you till you were sure it was going to pop was an all to frequent past-time. Or, putting your full weight on his little toe was also a great way to turn sugar energy into parent pleasing calm that if done correctly could do permanent damage to the little piggy that went 'wee wee wee al the way home.'
But the hardest time to get through was the sermon. Here clapping was frowned upon totally. You could shout out the occasional 'Amen', to release energy but here you would have to pay attention to the placement of your personal approval and more often than not you became an embarrassment to your parents. No, the sermon was a cold-turkey moment, we were expected to at all costs squelch our sugar high, which was about as likely as pigs singing in the choir. We were four boys sitting shoulder to shoulder in reverence giving their full attention to the preachers sermon. Thankfully sugar was now slowly starting to ease it's grip on the possession of their souls. Yet, still with enough energy when we four sat in a row we could get the pew to vibrate with enough force to make the washers on the bolts that held the pew to the floor to loosen and sound like coins dropping in a offering plate. Not an all to unhappy sound given it's surroundings. Dad would flip us a look that would confirm death was eminent when we got home if silence was not obtained immediately. Mom fearing for our lives would separate us or spread us apart while questioning under her breath that she was sure she had no idea what was wrong with her boys.
Three scoops of chocolate swirl and four double fudge cookies........I'm thinking.
About half way through the sermon sugar had all but released the hold it had on our bodies. Our shoulders had dropped, muscles in our legs, back and arms had relaxed and our bodies had become tired and sleep would try to overtake us. But! my Mom wouldn't allow this, nodding off would look like the preacher had bored us. The thought of a message of eternal salvation, delivered by a man of God, a leader in the community would somehow bore her children was not an option my Mom would accept. She would give us paper and pencils so we could draw. She was convinced that to the preacher it would look like that we were so interested in the sermon that we were taking notes, which we could refer to the next day at school when we were testifying to our school mates just before we get beat-up.
My Dad now looks over at his four boys sitting quietly in the pew, shirts stuck to their backs, hair plastered to their heads soaked in sweat. His little army for the Lord all taking notes on the sermon of which he himself had no idea what it was about. Content that we were finally well behaved he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a gun. Oh not a gun of steel and gunpowder, but yet a gun of equal destruction, one of sugar......Candy! One by one he offers that gun to each child in turn, and each child in eager acceptance not knowing that soon an all to common chain of events were about to unfold. Events that would cause husband and wife to question the legitimacy of their own children. Events that would embarrass my parents enough to maybe look for a different church next week. Events that would make a father grab his son by the shoulders and on bended knee look him straight in the eye and plead more than ask "What in the wide world of sports has gotten into you?"



bobby did this

Friday, October 25, 2013

Moms Leftovers (cartoon)

Moms Leftovers

Moms Leftovers

"SUPPER!" Echoed off the neighbours houses. "SUPPERTIME BOYS!" was the invite my Mom would rattle the windows with. She would stand at the open door and collect her brood of four boys from across the neighbourhood with this echoing invitation.
Mom stood all of (with thick socks) five feet tall. The mother of four noisy, rambunctious males with as much as a twelve year age difference. Because of this, she was a woman of mixed emotions. Proud and happy on graduation day, and 'Oh my gosh here we go again', on registration day for grade one all in the same year. Potty training and dating advice had to be administered at the same time, being careful not to mix them up. Nothing worse than telling a girl you like her and then dropping your pants and running to the toilet. On the bright side you did get a sticker either way.
Every family on our block pretty much had the same form of letting the kids know it was supper. Some loud noise from an open window or door, banging a pot, ringing a bell or just hollering the fact it was time to get in. Time to come home and sit down as a family together sharing a meal. Supper, 'Old School' style.
Now we were not your Norman Rockwell kind of perfect family all gathered around the table. Not even our table with three metal legs and a short wooden one with the folded cardboard under it was what we'd say an inviting scene. All four boys, two on stools, one in chair and one in a high chair with a big age difference all sat at the same height. With Dad on the end of the table and Mom in the middle, close to the stove, this completed our Rockwell moment.
Prayer was offered up before every meal in our home. Dad did the Monday to Saturday meal prayer and Mom, who seemed to store up a weeks full of thanksgiving laid bare her heart on Sunday evening. I think she could of won, if ever a prize was given, the longest blessing over dinner that ever was said. If I believed my brothers would have kept their eyes closed I could of gotten up, gone to the bathroom, gone outside rode my bike around and still made it back in plenty of time for the 'Amen'. But brothers are always looking for a chance to get the other in trouble. Direct Mom and Dads pent up anger away from ones self by finking on a sibling.
After thanks was given for our daily meal, Mom, whose hands had just been blessed (...'and bless the hands that prepared dinner'. Didn't Dad know who had made dinner?) forked out the food. It was a ravenous affair. She would stand on her chair and stab a meat-by-product of some form or other from off of the platter, and to the best of her ability with the fork and wrist motion, propel it to the desired recipient. Loud accusations of a brother receiving a larger piece than the one you got ensued. Knives and forks of different patterns attacked the steaming flesh. This allowed a more civilized delivery of potatoes and veggies. Me,...I really didn't care if I got veggies at all. I had been snacking on the lead paint chips from off the window sill for a good part of the afternoon anyway.
Dinner, or the food part of our dinner was mostly complete by the time Mom started hers. If any extra food was available, it was given to the first finished. This resulted in a very hurried intake of the evening meal.
We all had to wait for dessert while Mom finished her meal. This was a period of time where some families tell of their day. We would try and tell things on the other brothers so to get them in trouble. Guess what Ian did. Guess what Dale did. Guess what Trevor did. To this, my parents never did guess what ....?...did, they were enlightened immediately before a chance was given. The only way a brother could escape from the truth being told was to hand over his allowance for a required amount of time equivalent to the sin committed. Every meal was like third party confessional.
Mom now finished dinner, dessert could be served. This was always something Mom would bake. And she was the Queen of substitutions. If a recipe called for butter and she didn't have any....no problem. Oil, margarine, lard, any petroleum by-product would do. She could make the same dessert every night and with a different substitution it was totally different every time. She would substitute substitutes. Apple pie made from Ritz Crackers was substituted with bread and Saltines. But no matter what was served we always had enough money to put a scoop of ice-cream on it. My Dad figured he could eat dirt if it had ice-cream on it. Mom would probably substituted the dirt for chocolate pudding.
Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and Birthdays were all celebrated by Mom putting on a special meal. Turkey, Ham or whatever the Birthday Boy wanted was provided for supper, with a scoop of ice-cream on something at the end.
Most people, myself included, remember their mom for that. The special times. But I also remember, now, the week to week grind of feeding a family of six on a small budget. Trying to make the most from nothing proved to be the harder meals, and they were prepared much more often. We never had the luxury of eating out, Mom cooked everyday, stretching what little we had.
A chicken dinner was always followed by soup for two days. Turkey and soup took a week and a half. All accompanied with fresh biscuits or buns. A tough old pot roast on Monday would be Tuesdays some sort of tender beef hash, with a killer gravy. Meal after meal all expertly done. But did we appreciate it? No! We'd complain if there was mashed potatoes instead of fried, and fried instead of mashed. The only vegetable we wanted was corn, anything else was met with disappointment.
And then after the complaining was done, and a brother thrown under the bus, we'd pushed ourselves away from the table with not as much as a thank-you and we're out the door. Half a day of preparation, a week of planning and five minutes of devouring was a Monday night meal. Six days till she gets to say how she feels in the envelope of saying thanks for all she has over dinner
It's not that she waited till Sunday night dinner to pray, she prayed everyday and it seemed continually. Always going about her house work humming or softly singing a hymn. Reading her Bible was how, and still is, how she starts her day ( now, she just cramming for finals). I don't think she's even ever said anything bad, or gossiped about anyone. She has accepted what she has and longs for no more. Content, and always has been, even with birth.
Mom had wanted girls. God gave her four boys. So she substituted the girls with boys. She wanted sweetness and charm in her recipe but went with loud and uncaring. Not what the original recipe called for but she'd make it work.
Four boys, four tough pot roasts thinking they had all the answers, as pot roasts do. But given time and a Sunday night prayer over us daily what was left of the original pot roast combined with her special style of biscuits, buns and gravy we became better than what was originally planned.
I can say that this once tough old roast is here today because of her. I'm now a tender grandpa of four because of her prayers. I'm still not beyond my best sell by date, and if given the choice I still would rather have corn. And when my end comes I want to go out with a scoop of ice-cream on my coffin. If I'm going to eat dirt I want ice-cream on it!

Bob Niles


bobby did this

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Trash Talk Cartoon

Trash Talk

Trash Talk

"Honey! It's garbage day tomorrow, you have to prepare the trash! If you're looking for your glasses I last saw them on top of your head! I'm heading out."
She knows I need my glasses to prepare, not take out, but to arrange and properly place unwanted articles and food waste in their respective bags and boxes. I need my glasses to find that dad-blang triangle on the plastic containers. Lord forbid if I get the wrong numbered triangle in the recycle box. If they could make the numbers bigger or colour them it would certainly make my life easier. I have to twist and turn them trying to get the light right, running my finger across the ridges trying to caress out a single digit number. I look like I'm trying to strum some instrument made of recycled garbage. The wife's jealous of her plastic salad box, complaining it gets more loving attention on the way to the Blue Box than she does all week.
Now the plastic's taking care of, it's time to wash the bottles and try to remove labels from the glass. I say try, because usually that's all it is, is an attempt. If they (the garbage police) want labels off, why do they (again the garbage police) let companies crazy glue them on. They are at one with the glass! Hot water, soap and razor blades are needed to try and hide the fact that it was once a pickle bottle. It seems anonymity is very important to the people down at Bills Brought Back Broken Bottle Bin. Where their motto is 'Be an un-labeler enabler!' I think Bill drinks what's left at the bottom of the bottles.
Onward to the papers! For this I refer to my 'Recycle With Confidence' section of my recycling bible (provided by our fair city) which I now find out got mixed up with the recyclables last week! And thrown out! So now with anything but confidence, I attempt the next to impossible. The house receives and brings in a lot of paper. And for this we have two different bags with which to recycle our papyrus. So do I use the blue bag or the yellow bag for a non-glossy insert flyer with removed plastic window made from cardboard with a newsprint insert. I hum and haw over this one for some time, and then with little confidence place it in the yellow bag. I then get off the floor and phone Tom next door to see which bag he used. No answer.
Newspaper after newspaper checked for hidden paper infractions. Cardboard boxes flattened, and staples removed. Egg cartons squished. Plastic windows removed. Tearaway all traces of my name and address on any envelopes. Become like the pickle bottle. Find interesting article in 'Time' magazine and waste ten minutes determining if your spouse is cheating on you.
Now, not only am I not sure I've got the right paper in the right bag, I now lack confidence the wife is staying true to our wedding vows! I'll try Tom again.
Still bothered by the flyer made of cardboard with the newsprint insert, I complete all paper products and move on to food scraps. Confidence builds. Either cooked or non-prepared foods all go in the kitchen container and then the green cart. What my wife can do with a $30 dollar roast is criminal. I just throw it out before it becomes a crime scene. For Christmas one year I got her a serving platter with the white chalk outline of a roast. Like the police do with a dead body. In response, she used my suit pants that day as a pot holder to remove the turkey from the oven. Asked why, my now ruined expensive suit pants became a pot holder, she replied 'Thats what you use them for!'
I search fridge and freezer for all past and future offending food scraps. Careful to leave the frozen fruitcake from Aunt Tilley that's been there for three years, then away for two, only to be re-gifted back to us for an additional four years more.
Now waving and clapping my hands I make my way to the kitchen container. I look like a blessed, praising church - goer as I enter a small cloud of fruit flies. I affix both hands to its smooth exterior, careful not to slop any residue on my skin. It'll stain, burn and stink on contact, immediately, and for an extended period of time. Eye protection is a must! Now down a flight of stairs, opening two closed doors I reach the green cart outside. I clear a ten ft radius to pour the offending odor into the green cart. I open the lid of the kitchen container and my fruit fly herd triples in size as they try to escape my wifes meat loaf. I carefully pour out this offending odor, turning nose and eyes away, noticing all the lights at Toms house are off. Now it's off to the end of the driveway for tomorrows pick up.
I see Toms Blue Box is at the curb already. I go through his yellow and blue bag to see which one he used for the flyer ( I'm sure we both got one in the mail) made of cardboard and newsprint. No luck! It's not there. I try his phone again.
Several more trips to the end of the driveway conclude garbage eve. All garbage has been prepared and expelled less than one week from entering my abode.
The digital alarm clock shows the score all tied up at a dozen apiece as I lay in bed looking at the ceiling. I lay there wondering where my wife is and thinking back to my youth.
"Honey! It's garbage day tomorrow have you taken out the trash!?" My Mom would ask my Dad.
"I'll do it during the commercial!" was his reply. Two minutes done! Which is why I guess we are where we are today.
And then I think............., and then toss and roll and notice all the 2s on the clock. The wife's not home yet. I get up, put on my housecoat, outside to the Blue Box and retrieve my worrisome flyer. Back to the house, crumple it up and flush it down the toilet. Problem solved! Tomorrow I'll wipe up the water from the toilet over flowing and unclog the throne from its offending flyer.
I lay there, now at peace wondering why I never thought to separate the papers from the flyer. Silly me. S l e e p y...I hear a car...next door....Toms car....my wife tip toes into the room. I sit up and turn on the light, "Honey it's 2:30 in the morning! Do you know which bag Tom used for that stupid flyer!?"


Bob Niles


bobby did this

Friday, October 18, 2013

The Paperboy Knocks Twice (C)

The Paperboy Knocks Twice

The Paperboy Knocks Twice

Somewhere in the sixties.

'KNOCK' 'KNOCK'...."Collecting for The Sun!"
"Yap Yap Arff Arff Yap Yap"
"Who is it?"
"Yap Yap Arff Arff Yap Yap"
Whapp Whapp Whapp "Yelp Yelp Oww Oww Yelp."
"Whose there?"
"Collecting for The Sun! The Vancouver Sun. You know your newspaper you get delivered to your door six days a week, rain or snow. The very same paper I'm sure you just beat your dog with. The Vancouver Sun........that paper.......Hello. ........Hello? " 'KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK'
'Yap Yap Yap Yap' Whapp Whapp Whapp ' Oww Oww Oww!'
"Who is it?"
(Oh my gosh) "I'm collecting for The Vancouver Sun! I'm the kid you give heck to for leaning my bike up against your fence. I'm the little red headed kid that brings your paper every day. I'm the one your dog chases out of the driveway, (the dog hates me because I bring to the door the very thing she beats him with) six days a week."
"Why didn't you say it was you Petey." ( That's not my name, she apparently has called the last three paperboys Petey) How much do I owe you?"
"Two dollars and fifty cents please."
" TWO DOLLARS! AND FIFTY CENTS! IS THAT FOR THE WHOLE YEAR?"
"No Mrs. Miller, just for he month of November. Plus you didn't pay me last month so it's another $2:50 besides. If that's okay......?"
"Well its not okay. I'll have to go to the bank. Could you come back tomorrow night!?"
(Ya sure! I hadn't planned on passing Grade 7 anyway. Homework! Who needs homework.) "O k a y.... you'll be home tomorrow night? Thursday?....Thursday night? Around seven?
"Thursday! Thursday night! I'm not home on Thursday. That's Bingo down at St. Paul's! Comeback next Wednesday. I'm home that night, I like to watch Manix on channel 8 on Wednesday. Now if you'll excuse me Petey, I'm on the phone with my sister in Saskatoon, ...... Be careful of the stairs down Petey! The lights not working." (That lights never worked. Her dog Precious likes to wait for me in the dark.)
Mrs Miller and I had never talked face to face. It was always between her two front doors. When I did manage to collect the two fifty from her, she paid through the mail slot. I don't think she trusted Petey. I know her dog hated him!
Mrs. Miller wasn't my worst customer. The worst were the ones that passed away before I could ever collect from them. I wouldn't be lying by saying I had asked a dead lady for $2:50 once (I didn't know she was dead). I had many of my customers show up in the obituary section. I had a seniors palliative care home on my route. I saw things that retuning Vietnam Veterans hadn't seen. Stuff like that stays with a 12 yr. old paperboy!
I was just one of about 20 paperboys my age at the paper shack. The paper shack was where all the papers would be dropped off for our area from the printer. It was managed by a kid a few years older than us. His job was to make sure we got our papers, and made a timely exit to deliver them. The manager was usually the oldest one of us that got the position because of the previous managers untimely death. We didn't like authority in the 'shack'. We were like all the kids on that 'Lord of the Flies' Movie. That paper shack was the roughest place on earth. Biker gangs wouldn't dare ride down that alley. Nobody could take on 20 kids all going through puberty at the same time. We were an angry, hyper, thorny (didn't mean to type the 'T') lot . We all had a Mrs Miller or three on our routes. Dogs that were as big as us that would chase us out of the yard over to the next Cujo. Weather that was constantly blowing or lissing ( aw gee I meant to hit the 'P' not the 'L') rain on our papers. Newspapers that if were not perfect, I would have to endure a phone call from one or more Mrs. Millers. We were a gang of low paid, always wet, non-homework doing, bike riding, non- filter smoking 12 yr. olds that had the answer to everything. We knew all the swear words and what some of them meant. We were always trying to see who could fit the most filth into a single sentence.
We delivered the daily paper to the doorstep of everyone who owned a dog it seemed. A blood thirsty, newspaper beaten dog that could do no wrong to a paperboy in the eye of the owner. An owner who was never home when we delivered the paper. And a dog, that lived outside on a chain just long enough to keep people away from the door. That same door I was expected to deliver the perfect copy of the daily news to. Every day I came home with wet pants. And some days it didn't rain! Somedays it blew! I remember more than once both the dog and the paper chasing me down the driveway.
Now, gone are the 12 yr. old paperboy gangs of the late 60s. All the paper shacks were gone through by bomb squads then destroyed. Papers today are delivered by a large assortment of walks of life. Nice people, that do it for exercise or an extra income, not for smokes and firecrackers. I hope home delivery of the printed newspaper stays with us for many more years. Its miserable work at times, so please remember that, especially, with Fall and Winter almost here. They do pretty much the work of a postman, but for a lot less money or benefits. So appreciate them please. Oh, and that Mrs. Miller, she's still around. I'm her now, complete with dog. But, I am trying to do better.The dog, he's to fat and lazy to chase anyone, but he belts out a bark loud enough when the paper arrives to make it rain.

Bob Niles



bobby did this

If You're Going to Pee in the Pool...Jump in First (cartoon)

If You're Going to Pee in the Pool....Jump in First!

If You're Going to Pee in the Pool....Jump in First!

"Swimming Lessons!" my mother spurted, "Why when I was a kid your grandpa rowed me out into the middle of the lake and threw me in was how I learned to swim!"
"Mom, grandpa wasn't trying to teach you to swim."
Needless to say swimming lessons weren't on the table, or in the pool for me. Why I don't think lessons were even available when I was a kid. Swimming wasn't popular till the invention of the bikini. At least, that's when dad starting taking us to the beach. And I don't think teaching us to swim while at the beach was his main concern. You need flotation devices not binoculars dad!
I learned to swim on my own in the wading pool at local park (which is now the parking lot for people taking indoor swimming lessons). I would lay on my stomach and with my hands under me on the bottom of the pool and walk-float myself to deeper water. I know. I know. "That's not swimming Bob!" And that's exactly what Karen Mc Manus yelled at me, laughing so hard she nearly feel off her bike. She was the cute girl in grade six. But that compelled me to let go of the bottom of the pool and do this sort of dog-paddle kicky thing which freed me from this gravity laden earth we walk to the freedom we experience in the near weightlessness of the liquid life we were born into. I might of overstated that. It wasn't pretty. I was no David Hasselhoff. But what you could see of me through all the splashing and thrashing was my confidence building in the fine art of looking cool while swimming. I soon graduated to the big pool with the diving board. Fifteen cents gets you in to look at all the girls in bathing suits...I mean swim. Hey, I was a pasty white, freckled, red headed kid in the Beach Boy generation. This was as close as I was getting to a meaningful relationship.
But be it my drive as a pubescent boy, or the joy of cooling off in the community pool, I did master the art of swimming and diving.
Years pass and now I'm taking my granddaughter to swim lessons at the local pool, (I can't remember how my kids learned to swim.....Must of been the wife?....Oh right, I had the binoculars!). My daughter signs her up for classes and I drive her down there. Park on the very spot I learned to swim. This day was momentous! I tried to point this all out to my 3yr. granddaughter but it fell far short of anything but "Can we go to Mc Donald's after?"
I walk inside. Sign in. And then am instructed to just go through the men's change room to get to the pool. "Uh Uh I mean no, I'm with her!" I respond as I lift her little hand over her head. Too many questions grandpa doesn't want to answer from the most inquisitive kid I have ever known in my life. Every sentence from her starts with 'WHY?' If I take her through the door with the 'Mens Changing Room' sign on it.....well..there just isn't enough hours in one day to complete her inquisition on why did that man.........????well you know.
The understanding girl behind the desk offered use of the staff washroom to change in (I think she was dragged through it as a kid). And, that I could use the staff door to get into the pool area. "Great! Works for me!" I said.
Next week it was as easy as just catching the understanding girls eye (something in my youth I was never able to do at the pool) to enter the staff door into the pool area (we changed at home, I mean she. We didn't change at home. I mean I don't put on my speedo to go watch my grandchild at swim class. I do that for ballet class). Anyway......upon entering the staff entrance I get this whistle happy Bay Watch shut-in emptying his lungs into the aforementioned wind chime hung around his neck. He's pointing and yelling about ??? I can't hear him. Whatever it is it's not about me...I'm not running. But surprise surprise, it was me in his sights. "Staff Entrance! Only Staff!" he starts out. I lift Charlottes arm over her head (we're attached at the hands) and mention I'm not taking her through the men's change room. And on and on I go and he shuts down pretty quick. I think he was in there as a small child too.
Weeks go by and we repeat this performance at least one more time with a whistle blowing door monitor. Charlotte changes after swim lessons in a corner of the parents viewing area. All in all, I don't think we'll be back for any more lessons at the local pool. I think I'll get Karen McManus to tease her in a wading pool. Hey, worked for me!
So in conclusion (thank the Good Lord for that) what happened to all the wading pools in Town? Gone are our public watery washrooms with which to swim and relieve ourselves in. All the splashing and dunking, play fighting with your friends thinking to yourself if he only knew what's in the water, and he's thinking the same. Kids in third world countries still play in them, only they're called open sewers. But kids are kids. It was a water source to get comfortable in. With swim lessons it took seven one hour sessions for Charlotte to stick her head under water and blow bubbles...but with confidence they'd retort.
Bring back our local kiddie pools I say. Parents watch your kids. Drain them at night. Kids learn much quicker goofing around as kids. But watch them. All we have now are mean water parks that bully our kids. They spray freezing water all over them as they run to try and avoid it. Squirt them without warning! Shoot them anywhere....I get it. They're training them for high school. Sad isn't it.

Bob Niles



bobby did this

Girl cartoon

Why Did The Little Girl Cross The Road?

Why Did The Little Girl Cross The Road?

She screamed like a little school girl (cause she was) as she dashed back across four lanes of early morning traffic, trying again to avoid the creepy would be, or could be attacker.
Two minutes earlier.
I was standing out in front of my house waiting for my buddy to pick me up for work. It was early. About 7:15 on a cool morning in October. I like to be early for everything I do, including waiting to be picked up. Gives me a chance to look at the birdies, smell the early morning freshness and listen to the neighborhood as it starts another day. I stand right at the curb so my buddy can just pull up and stop so I can quickly hop in, as I live on a busy 4 lane street.
I was looking at my abode noting that the front door should really be painted, when I realized something just didn't look right. Something about the front of the house looked off. Different. Something missing..... The hose! Someone had stolen the hose right off the front of my house! That hose wasn't a year old! One hundred ft. of hose with a nine pattern spray nozzle. (Picture me angry and confused here)
Well, there was nothing I could do now, my ride was coming. Besides, even if I reported to the police what could they do? Bring over a pile of green hoses so I could identify mine. Probably don't have a pile of green hose recovered from criminal master minds anyway. What to do? What to do?
I was pondering this question as I stood right by the curb facing traffic when I heard the tiny beep, beep of a car horn. I looked to see a car had stopped ( not my ride) and the driver was motioning me to cross. He thought I was standing by the curb to cross. I politely waved him off, but again he gave me the universal sign to cross. An open hand lateral motion softly pushing the air to the side. Again I counter with the universal sign that I'm just standing here thinking, and I have no intention or need to cross the road at this time of day. I turn my head back and forth and with open palm upright, twisting, like I'm wiping poop off a screen door (it could happen). He won't move! Now the driver in the next lane has stopped as well!
Crap!...I cross the road. It was just easier. Easier and more polite than doing anymore universal sign language cause my next hand signal wasn't going to be nice.
Now to the screaming school girl. This happens a little quick here so stay with me.
She was walking about half a block down the road when I had crossed over to her side of the street,.......and stood there. Creepy right? So creepy, that as soon as an opening in traffic came she crossed the street not ten yards behind me. The very same time I crossed back across the street to catch my ride. We got to the opposing curb about the same time. Okay she was quicker, but I was carrying a hammer and drywall axe for he job that day. She no sooner had her one foot touched the curb when she did a 180 and headed across again. Screaming, as I said, like a little school girl!
At this point I had not totally taken in what had just transpired, and to why her reaction. Whats her problem, I was the one who had a hose stolen here, not her.
It took a few seconds for my un-caffeinated brain to process what had just went down. And at that point I was hoping my ride got here before the police did. The ride one out. He stopped I got in, he asked me "How's it going?"
I said "Good! Did you see the game last night?" Cause that's what guys do.

Bob Niles


bobby did this

Thursday, October 10, 2013

"Honey!..If You're Going Trick-er -Treating Take the Kids With You."

"Honey!..If You're Going Trick-er -Treating Take the Kids With You."


"TRICK-er -TREAT!"
"OH MY! Superman, Batman and a Hobo are at my door looking for candy. And here it is past 9:30. Well here Superman, a shoe horn, and Batman gets an umbrella with a broken handle and for the Hobo,......let's see,....how about a pair of womens black pumps. Now kids, as I told you last time you were here it's late. Im out of candy. And you've already been here twice already! Wearing your capes backwards and smearing more dirt on your face doesn't fool me into thinking you haven't been here before. And, when all the lights in the house are out, and I'm answering the door in my Fruit of the Looms chances are pretty good you've gotten me out of bed. And you mister Hobo, aren't you my second oldest child Ian? That sports jacket you're wearing, with the elbows you've so cleverly cut out, I wore that to work this morning."
"You're right Dad it is me Ian." ( I lied. Thinking when it came judgement time it would be him that got the pain)
"Now back my car off the front lawn! Put it back where you found it. AND!, remove the Batman fins off the trunk, and my two rifles you've tied to the front hood. I'm not driving to work tomorrow having my Volkswagen Beetle look like that! And besides, I don't think you have a license to drive that car! Aren't you only 14?" (Ian was 16 I was only 12. Close enough! Two years less discipline)
"Dad, Batman was driving....."
"Enough!" he cried as a door suddenly appeared in front of me with a crack of thunder.
And with that announcement and some other inaudible, what I can only imagine to be as words of encouragement, Halloween had ended.
Superman and Batman were both glad they weren't me (or if I'm lucky Ian) that night. Why my Dad hadn't recognized these two superheroes as his two youngest was certainly a stroke of luck for them. So Batman, Superman and a hobo pushed and pulled the Batmobile back on the driveway. All the while analyzing the pros and cons of dad not actually telling us to get to get inside and into bed, but for the sake of our older brother it was probably better for him if we did.
I didnt know it at the time but that was the last year I went out trick-er-treating. The annual festival of all you can collect free junk food I had held so dear, had ended. The next year would find me in Grade 8, wanting to act like the kids in Grade 10, who wanted to act like the kids in Grade 12 who would still go out trick-er-treating but wouldn't be caught dead acting like a punk kid in Grade 8. A whole school of wanting to do.....but not. Cause let's face it, if you're giving out free candy I'm there. "Kids or no kids honey I'm off trick-er-treating!"
This for many was the first time of wanting to do something that you would be allowed to do by your parents that wouldn't be done. Your introduction to the guilt that comes with 'I would of, could of, should of done things different.' If only you'd known It was your last time trick-er-treating it would of been momentous! Or if we knew it was grandpas last Christmas, we should of had the family's all together. Or the hand shake could of been a hug and a kiss good-bye. If only you could of stopped in to see if the elderly widow next door was okay. Or you should of danced more when she asked you to dance to her favorite song. If only you could of known that it would be the last picture ever taken together. Or the trip we should of gone to Disneyland but was never taking because the Cancer was so aggressive.
Every day events taken for granted, totally unaware of the meaning they hold tomorrow. Events that are handled with enough attention at the time but fail, and fall short in our memories.
Over and over we're reminded of this very issue. We need to hug and kiss that loved one. Tell them that you care the specialists say. I did that to my Dad one time. Awkward! In hindsight I should of waited till he was out of the shower.
"There's a time and a place for everything! And that wasn't it!" he hollered as he grabbed for a towel.
Thing is though, there is only a time and a place for everything in yesterday. I know what and where I could of, should of would of done, said and been in todays past. And, we tend to beat ourselves up over it in the here and now.
With Thanksgiving, Remembrance Day and all the celebrations and holidays around Christmas, plus now Halloween becoming so big, it's a season full of 'To Do'.
It's at a time like this I could quote my Dad. 'Enough!' ( I won't slam the door though). Enough,...just do enough to where your comfortable at this coming busy season. Life is not remembered by the breaths we take, but remembered by what takes our breath away. And that's something you can't plan to do. Enjoy the moment. Celebrate the past.
"Trick-er-treat!"
"Oh look honey,...a hobo. ..........again. What's it been Bob 40 yrs.?"
"42 I Think. Love what you've done with the entry Carol......"

Bob Niles



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Thursday, September 26, 2013

Spiders Like it When You Whistle the Andy of Mayberry Tune

Spiders Like it When You Whistle the Andy of Mayberry Tune

She sat upright in the bed. Dark. Now quiet. Sure she had heard a scream. She reached across the bed to awake Bob. Gone. Bed is cool to the touch. Where could he be?
EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKEEEE!! Somewhere an 8 yr. old girl (it sounded like she was 8) was in great danger. "Bob, Bob!" she whisper shouted into the dark.
"Heeeeerrrrrrreeeee, down the hall in the bath! ........ SPIDER!"
"Well get dressed! Hurry! I heard a little girl screaming somewhere. Sounded close by."
"Ah....that was probably me. Spider!"
Well that's how my wife tells the story. I'm sure it wasn't quite like that. It was probably more like a Tarzan scream than a pre-pubescent girl scream. But she does have the part right about me being afraid of spiders.
And this is the time of year they decide to come into the house to try and chase us out of it. They can't spend winter outside. They want your house!
They start by building their webs closer to the house at this time of year. Webs that they cleaverly string in front of doorways and across sidewalks that remain unseen till your're wearing it. The fear starts. They never build their webs down low, it's always up, trying to catch your face. To rip it down you have to get the longest, pointiest stick you can find. Then you pull and poke at it, (it has the consistency of some kind of anorexic cotton candy, but with less calories) to destroy this nightmare. But the spider always gets away! Some sort of Ninja thing. Hey!, if they can spit thread that's stronger than steel from their bum....they can disappear!
The fear builds.
Next they send some of the small ones in...the spies. Test how much of a Nancy (or another feminine name with which to challenge you male macho-ness)) they're working with. I find one in the kitchen on the rim of my mug. I scream. Run for the bug spray and blast the whole can on it. But, from a different room, behind a secure door. Start to get dizzy. Must not fall. Will awake with a spiders web across my face. Go lie down in the bathtub. Spiders hate bathtubs.
Spiders are high-fouring (if they do five they fall over) each other downstairs behind the furnace. It's going to be a warm winter. The folklore about this wuss was true.
Now it's time for the big boys to play in the shadows, just around the edges, cause questions, create panic. "What was that!? Did you see that! ?Was that something!? I saw something! Go look! I'm not gonna go look! You look! My big boy pants are in the wash. Hey! A monster spider was just in the next room waiting to jump on my face! They needed cleaning!"
Fear builds greater
Now two of the biggest ones are sent out. But not together...separately. You'll enter a dark room and turn on the lights, and whatever they were doing,...they stop. You move...they move. You run to another room, they follow. You emit high pitched girly sounds as you cartoonishly try to run but your legs get you nowhere. Your arms outstretched as your feet spin, as if your riding a bike, but you remain stationary. He's gaining on you! You (as manly as you can in your new girly voice) scream for help from the wife. She thinks you've cut off your hand on the table saw by the volume and pitch of your new found octave.
She arrives to find you clung to the side of the door jamb, a foot off the ground. She kills the spider with your Tiger Woods #5 iron. You climb off the wall and recommend a #3 wood next time and make a mental note to buy a new #5 iron.
Later that night after several hours of horizontal unrest (cause you know the other one is out there) you get out of bed and ever so cautiously, expectingly fearful, plan your way down the hall to the bathroom. Target archived, you take a seat on the only seat in the room. You calm your fears by whistling the Andy of Mayberry tune, but this attracts the other spider. Spiders love whistling, especially old TV tunes. He now revels himself from a fold in the rubber ducky shower curtain, two feet from your face. He's big, black, hairy and your thankful you saw him while sitting on the toilet. Only for the reason that if you had your big boy pants on,....they'd be dirty again. You open your mouth but nothing comes out. The German Shepard down the street answers back. Firmly grasping the edges of the toilet seat, hyperventilating, while trying to control your urge to flee, you manage to eek out a more audible, but in no way manly, cry for assistance. This comes in the form of 13 Es and 6 Ks all jumbled together.
Bob! Bob! Responds the wife, and then something about a small girl in trouble scares the black menacing, eight legged arachnid away. After the #5 iron thing, spiders are afraid of my wife.
So, after that we save the little girl that had fallen down the well, yadie yadie yadie, I'm a hero! Seems her screams and mine, combined and spurred the community to venture out to see what was going on. Well.....that's my story anyway. So who to believe? Some #5 iron wielding spider killer or a brave, great Canadian hero.
Spiders are afraid of heros.........right?

BobNiles 604-761-2466



bobby did this