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Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The least wonderful time of the year












                           It's the Least Wonderful Time of the Year

 The three best words that describe January are as  follows and I quote, stink, stank, stunk!
 I quote 'The Grinch' because he use to love this time of year. No more is the belch of whomboozelers, the annoying tinkle tinkle from zingdingglers or the feast of the beast by Christmas singers!
The holidays are over! Decorations are down and boxed away. No more parties! No more feasts! The weather is all rain, but we dare not complain because the rest of Canada is much worse. 
The only holiday comfort left is the burning logs on TV. 
Craving a fiery log fix I extend an arm out of its winter nest that I've fashioned from three blankets and a sleeping bag on my big EasyBoy chair. TV remote in hand I tune to the happy, comforting, in this time of need, holiday hang on.    
WHAT!.........it's gone! This too! I want my EM-TV! (EM= embers)  Its the only reality TV I watch. I never saw how it ended! Did it just burn out like all the kid TV stars of the 80s? Was it snuffed out like an Italian gangster?
Why? It was as entertaining as most of the shows that are on TV now. 
Oh sure they might have mixed it up a bit by burning different things from time to time. 
First could be all the wrapping paper and bows from all the holiday gifts. The different colours that burn from the papers and watch the bows melt and smoke before they combust into hot hungry flames. 
Then in February have a Valentine Special. The burning of pictures of old boyfriends. The creepy Valentine cards from people like the sweat pants guy at the end of the hall. We all have items of a love gone wrong that need to burn.
Easter, could bring about the melting of cute chocolate animals that  we didn't want to pass our gums. Watch as they droop, melt and liquefy like old vegetables in the crisper you bought at the start of the year to start a healthier lifestyle but didn't. 
Spring Break and the kids are at home alone could bring about live phone in shows where household items from the bathroom and kitchen cabinets are set ablaze. The pretty colours and the oh so toxic fumes all safely kept away from harming little Johnny's lungs. 
Late night, for the adults you could have a phone in show on stuff from the garage. That stuff burns real big! ( I'm starting to sound like a pyro!)
How about a divorce special. He burns her stuff....she burns his stuff. We're talking Emmy material here.
Then there's all the summer fires. Camp sing songs fires around a cheerful circular center point. Scary story fires, all told across hungry licking flames that dance shadows across terrified faces. Friday night bonfires of drunken idiots that end with no eyelashes and much singed hair all to the cry  of 'I love you man!'
You could have different wood night. Maple he will Mondays! Fir-get-me-not Fridays!  Concluding with Spruce me up Saturdays.
All these possibilities and only half the years gone. TV programmers where are you? This is a sure hit!  If you guys won't maybe I'll start my own network. Call it the CBC (Continually Burning Channel). Not to be confused with the other CBC which replaces the 'Burning' with boring.
The need for fire has been part of our earliest history. Comfort, togetherness, safety, warmth and light was provided by man learning to recreate the flame. It's roots run deep in civilization. Is it no wonder then that we all are guilty of watching a few burning logs crackling away to a time not forgotten. Happier times. Simpler times. A time before stink, stank, stunk!

Bob Niles