The Two Fairies and the Dyson Sucker
"Don't the two girls look so adorable in their sparkly princess dresses?" my wife states more than asks. States,... as she falls all over the living room furniture trying to get that best picture angle of her two fancy frocked fairy beauties. Two cartoon watching, drink box guzzling fairies with no abilities for flight or granting wishes. But, have the gift of depositing many thousands of magic sparkles, (I say magic because they can't stick on their dress but have the ability to stick to everything else) wherever they go.
My so called loving family members have fairy-ized my house and everything exposed in it by gifting the 2 and 5 yr. old granddaughters these fairy frocks for Christmas. And now these newly crowned, wand waving, gas belching, fancy dressed fairy princess trail life embarrassing disco dust in every step and breath they make.
At first I didn't know about the magnetic attraction fairy glitter had on my clothes and exposed skin . I'd go about my life doing my normal routines and not even know I was being bedazzled. But then I'd clue in with my superior spidy senses that the girl at Starbucks lingered her stare at my forehead just a nano second too long. The nice Asian lady at the dry cleaners purposely wiping her left cheek had seemed to want me to do the same. And then the opened mouth pirate laugh from the guys at work as I walked past with my glittered 'Ba- donkey- donk' gave clue that something was amuck.
I was ablaze with disco glitter dust. The doggone angelic grandkids had glitter bombed me! My hair, now with it's many magic follicles was only detoured by the four spotlights of attention grabbing glitter that now shared my face. The back of my navy blue jacket was bejeweled with fairy sparkles. And the matching slacks had now a circular ring at the back that looked like I had perhaps unknowingly squished a fairy by sitting on her.
Oh, and these shining spotlights don't just wipe off with a swipe from the back of hand, they stick! Like a warm wet sneeze to a screen door on a summer day. I had to use the Dyson to power suck what's on me, and then back track with the vacuum to every where these flightless fairies wanderd. Yes thanks to the wife's vacuum, gone are the four eye-catching spotlights on my face. Now replaced by four, suction induced, red crop circles.
That was my ignorance the first time. The second time (yes it happened again) I was well aware the effect fairy dresses had on my dignity, and I had a plan. I followed my two little dancing fairies with the wife's ball vacuum everywhere they went. I was like the third dancing fairy only much bigger and without a fancy frock. But, had the magic ability to suck up disco dust without the need of a vacuum bag.
It didn't help one bit! My face must be a magnet to glitter! Glitter that waits till your out in public, when the light is just right, and a social situation arises. Then, it pops forth louder than an oozing pimple at a high school dance. Me, a 58 yr. old grandpa to four grandkids looking like a disco drag queen the day after. Thank-you very much you bag-less Dyson. And thank you, you third world sweat shops that make fairy dresses affordable to families of middle classed sparkly faced pre-senior citizens like me!
But even with all this I was still to be embarrassed to an even greater degree at the doctors office.
How was I to know that one of the little dears had gone potty while I had my back to them while vacuuming the couch.
My, so called professional doctor could hardly remain upright because of a vertical challenging fits of laughter.
He and the nurse, whom he had asked if it would be okay if she could observe a certain procedure, had me to bend over. At first he had held it together, but soon gave in to the hilarity one expects from a star spangled moon. And him calling himself a professional. He had to use naked me for support to stop from falling over.
At least the nurse had some decorum. She, with tweezers, took a sample of he glitter and put it in a little glass jar like it was the problem I had come to see the laughing doctor about.
And what is this, soon to be medically studied glitter made from? It lasts forever! I swear everything and anything that has ever had a faux fairy fancy frock pass it, still has some of this shiny curse to adult dignity on it or in it still.
I think this ageless magic dust is made from all the computer parts we send over to India to be re-cycled. The precious metals are separated then the rest is ground up for fairy dress sparkle. And I don't even think they paint it to give it eye catching bling. They just remove the paint. That sparkle and shine is already under there. Under the color of your computer is solid glitter! Because they know they're going to crush them in a couple of years to make sparkle dust! Every computer we send them as e-waste comes back in sparkles! Fifteen trashed computers to a dress.
"Okay girls one more picture of the two of you on grandpas lap!" the wife commands.
"NO!"... Too late, I've been bedazzled. A full frontal attack! Time to drag out the 'Ball Dyson'.
Bob Niles
No comments:
Post a Comment