The Grass is Always Greener On the Other Side of the Fence

The Grass is Always Greener On the Other Side of the Fence
(but it smells like a chip shop)
I find myself standing in line at the 15 items or less isle at my local grocery store. In hand are one gallon of vinegar, one kilogram of salt and a bottle of lemony fresh, tough on grease soft on hands dish soap. All the items needed to boil me up a dandelions worst nightmare.
For weeks now the wife has been bugging me to kill all the lovely yellow flowers punctuating the back and front yards. Bright, cheery, round kisses of sunlight that mature into ever so fragile orbs, that on but a whisper float softly across the yard in a delicate dance, then to land to continue their cycle of life.
"WEEDS!" She called them, raising her arms in the air, with both hands and teeth clenched. "Get off your bottom, ( just in case the little ones are reading this) get out in that yard, and kill them weeds!"
"With what shall I kill them (to the tune of 'There's a Hole in My Bucket') dear Cindy dear Cindy? With what shall I kill them?"
I never heard her response as I was to busy ducking, spinning and running avoiding air-borne objects all trying to do to me that which she wanted me to do to the weeds.
My question was a valid one.
Gone are the warm Spring days filled with the hazy fog of herbicides, that was my youth. Dad sending you out with a spray bottle and an "Oh by the way try not to breath it in" cautionary instruct. Sprays, powders and liquids, all with the picture of that guy you see on the pirate flags. 'Old Skull-n-Bones.' Together him and I would rid this here town of all the low life pesky weeds. Got to be a pretty good shot with a spray bottle too. Behind the back, over the head, under the leg, all with deadly accuracy.
'With what shall I kill them?' Herbicides are banned. "Good thing too!" my doctor says. "You should of breathed that stuff in a little less, then your kids wouldn't all have to be working in the circus."
I'll ask the guy next door, he has a nice lawn. A fact my wife never forgets to tell me every chance she gets. Besides I've got to go over and complain about a chip shop he's just recently opened up over there.
"Ya git yer vinegar, ya git yer salt and ya git some of that there liquid soap. Ya mix'em all up, boil it, then ya pour it on them and watch'em scream!" This was his answer to "So what do you use to kill weeds?" Or at least I hope it was, don't see many kids playing outside anymore.
Weird guy! I order a side of chips and leave.
Back at home now I drag out the wife's cauldron, careful not to knock over her broom. I drain the vinegar into the pot, add four 'Worlds best Dad' cups of salt and enough liquid soap to beg the question, is it half empty or half full?
Using 2 by 4s from the sun deck I ripped down three years ago (I told her I'd use these someday) I start a fire under the pot. In no time at all my eyes are stinging from the smoke and I'm breathing through my mouth to avoid the stench of hot vinegar. Place smells like a chip shop!
Hey he still hasn't brought over them fries.
My mixture of 'dandelion hell is soon at a full boil. I remove the pot from over the fire, using my pants as a pot holder. That's pretty much what they are when I wear them too.
I pour my steaming concoction on the first weed I see. It withers and deflates like a wife reminding you you're almost out of 'Depends' in front of your high school sweet-heart at the 40th school reunion. I mean that weed wishes it was never born! If it had a palm to smack the front of his forehead and eyes to roll back and squeeze shut and a mouth to say "Not here! Not now!" and fall backwards on to the gymnasium floor into the fetal position sucking his thumb ..........he would. I mean 'it' would.
Upwards and onwards to the next weed.
Two week later
Sitting in McDonalds wondering where I went wrong. Not enough vinegar? Wrong kind of salt, should of been sea-salt? Too much soap? What?
All my weeds are back , just like before. I walk out to the car and they're waving at me in the summer breeze, and laughing with their bright sunny disposition.
I grab another handful of fries and shove them at my face. Looking down at my tray I see my unopened packet of vinegar and salt. Remembering I like these on my fries I decide to be classy and not to remove the dozen or so chips sticking out of my mouth to anoint and bless them with free condiments. I'll practice good manners and wait for the next installment.
FREE? Did I say free?
Hang on here! Am I the only one that realizes Mickey Dees is giving out free weed killer! Or in my case weed suppression.
Armed with this knowledge, I ask for three thousand packets of vinegar for my small fries. "No need to count them"I say, "just fill this black pot. Oh, and make it quick, the wife doesn't like me taking her things out of the yard."
It's time to cook up another vat, and cheese off a bunch of heckling, yellow headed, jovial weeds. Hey, do you think Heinz 57 got it on the first try?


by Bob Niles.

PS. After less than 57 tries I now realize my recipe was correct it was the timing that was off. You must spray the vinegar, salt and soap solution after the dew is off the rose, and the weed. Plus it's also helpful if it doesn't rain the next day so the weed can get the full effect of your hateful concoction.
I also found out McDonalds is not in the habit of giving out endless supplies of free condiments. This was explained to me as my wifes' black pot was about 1/4 full of free vinegar and salt while I was trying to pull it through the bathroom door for liquid soap.





bobby did this