Monday, June 30, 2014
My Business is you Business
This is a letter I sent to our local paper in regards to our sewage rates.
My Business is your Business
Dear Mr. Sewage Plant Operator,
As I'm sure you know by now, there has been some change ups in the way we do our business with you. Let me assure you that we in no way are unsatisfied in how you've handled our business in the past. And that we wish to continue sending our business your way, but, we have had to cut down on deliveries.
We at our end have never charged for shipment sent in the past. And with the rising gas costs we have still managed to keep our gas at a constant. What's causing the change in deliveries is the rising cost of the H2O.
As you know H2O is a requirement in the delivery of the business we've built up here. And up until last year, for us, we were paying a flat rate on water. But this year we were set up with a water meter to accurately gauge the amount of deliveries we were sending your way. The numbers (1and 2) sent your way are staggering!
Judging by our deliveries you'd figure we have a booming business here. And some were. But our product shipped were in bits at a time, or sometimes not at all! Sometimes we'd just ship the paperwork and no goods!
Well no more. From now on any delivery you receive from us will be all quality. No more half filled orders or paperwork with no product. We will still keep gas at our regular rate and you will never more get a late night delivery from us.
Now for the bad news.
The deal you have with our business is management. We send our business your way and you decide how or how not to handle it. All fine. And for doing this you are paid an comfortable annual fee. But, now we have to pay for every drop of water it takes to ship it to you. What we here (we being the people at the high end of the pipe) would suggest is a delivery rebate of some kind. Because if we're just giving you the business minus the H2O, well,......your business is going to slow down. Stop.
You need us to buy water to deliver our product your way. My business is your business and your business is my business delivered to your door. Well maybe not to your door unless you had you son-in-law help you with the plumbing too.
The way I see it is you eventually place the water I ship your way back in the ocean, then from that ocean form clouds which produce rain which I buy back to ship you my business. Do you see where I'm going?
It's that whole vicious circle thing. I keep buying back the same product that I give you to manage so that I can again buy it back again. I buy your rainbows and liquid sunshine to ship my raw product to you. You then turn all the water I use to ship my product back to you to rainbows and liquid sunshine again.
It's criminal I tell you! I'd go to the police but they're dealing with their own crimes. Someone broke in to the police station last week and stole every toilet! Now here it is a week later and they still have nothing to go on. (sorry)
Please advise me if you are willing and able to give any on your end in this matter, because up until now it's my end that's been doing all the giving.
Thank-you
Bob Niles
My Business is your Business
Dear Mr. Sewage Plant Operator,
As I'm sure you know by now, there has been some change ups in the way we do our business with you. Let me assure you that we in no way are unsatisfied in how you've handled our business in the past. And that we wish to continue sending our business your way, but, we have had to cut down on deliveries.
We at our end have never charged for shipment sent in the past. And with the rising gas costs we have still managed to keep our gas at a constant. What's causing the change in deliveries is the rising cost of the H2O.
As you know H2O is a requirement in the delivery of the business we've built up here. And up until last year, for us, we were paying a flat rate on water. But this year we were set up with a water meter to accurately gauge the amount of deliveries we were sending your way. The numbers (1and 2) sent your way are staggering!
Judging by our deliveries you'd figure we have a booming business here. And some were. But our product shipped were in bits at a time, or sometimes not at all! Sometimes we'd just ship the paperwork and no goods!
Well no more. From now on any delivery you receive from us will be all quality. No more half filled orders or paperwork with no product. We will still keep gas at our regular rate and you will never more get a late night delivery from us.
Now for the bad news.
The deal you have with our business is management. We send our business your way and you decide how or how not to handle it. All fine. And for doing this you are paid an comfortable annual fee. But, now we have to pay for every drop of water it takes to ship it to you. What we here (we being the people at the high end of the pipe) would suggest is a delivery rebate of some kind. Because if we're just giving you the business minus the H2O, well,......your business is going to slow down. Stop.
You need us to buy water to deliver our product your way. My business is your business and your business is my business delivered to your door. Well maybe not to your door unless you had you son-in-law help you with the plumbing too.
The way I see it is you eventually place the water I ship your way back in the ocean, then from that ocean form clouds which produce rain which I buy back to ship you my business. Do you see where I'm going?
It's that whole vicious circle thing. I keep buying back the same product that I give you to manage so that I can again buy it back again. I buy your rainbows and liquid sunshine to ship my raw product to you. You then turn all the water I use to ship my product back to you to rainbows and liquid sunshine again.
It's criminal I tell you! I'd go to the police but they're dealing with their own crimes. Someone broke in to the police station last week and stole every toilet! Now here it is a week later and they still have nothing to go on. (sorry)
Please advise me if you are willing and able to give any on your end in this matter, because up until now it's my end that's been doing all the giving.
Thank-you
Bob Niles
Thursday, June 26, 2014
What to do About Dale
What to do About Dale
Of my younger brothers, of which I have two
one found by the road, one bought from the zoo
It's the one that Mom bought, that I'd like to mention
he lives in my room, and creates lots of tension.
I'm older than him, by almost two years.
And a lot taller side by side in the mirror,
I can run faster and climb higher in trees,
I want to be different, he wants to be me.
"I need my own room!" I say to my Mom.
"Sharing with Dale is lacking in fun!"
She pats my head and says back with a smile
"Fat chance of that one, my dear funny child."
So I phone up the zoo "Do you take things back?
You see it's my Mother, it's judgement she lacks."
So they look through their books for just such a sale,
they look and they looked, but they couldn't find Dale.
I think of plan "B", involving shovel and sack,
as I lay on my bed of which Dale has half.
I'm thinking it over, this plan should work fine,
then down from the stairs my Mom yells...."Bath-time!"
Of all things shared, this ones the worst!
Someone doesn't like me,....I really feel cursed!
I share my bath water with my little brother.
"It saves on the gas bill," or so says my Mother.
So it starts with a fight, deep end or not,
the deep end has taps, a plug and a spout.
But the plug rules the depth, and the taps control heat,
so it's the best end for the eldest to seat.
I put on my pajamas, and climb in the bath,
my shallow end brother he giggles and laughs.
My pajamas you see have long ears and big feet
bright pink, real fuzzy with a tear in the seat.
With my back to the taps I now face my Brother,
we're both in the tub, but not is the water.
"Hey floppy ears!" he says "Lets get this bath started!"
I stood up, turned round, bent over, and............put in the plug.
Now the same thing happens every bath night
we start having contests,we start having fights.
"I held my breath longer!" "I spit water further!"
"Bobby made me eat soap! I want him for murder!"
"Don't tell Mom! Don't tell Mom! I'll give you a quarter
she'll hear us fooling around and kick us out of the water.
Besides it's big wave time, the time you like best,
we'll ride the soapy wave that curls and crests."
Big wave time is started with a back-n-forth motion,
each brother at an end of this bubbling soapy ocean.
I slide toward Dale with water in tow
which pushes him backwards, up the bath wall he goes.
Dale and the water then re-enter the tub
which pushes me back, full speed at the plug!
I slide to the left, clear plug spout and taps,
so high up the bath wall Dale stands up and claps.
"Get ready!" I shout "Here come a big wave!
Up the back wall it'll shoot you our positions will trade."
Down past the taps and the spout, scratch my face on the plug,
in less than a second........I'm alone in the tub.
No water. No Dale. They,re up the back wall,
he's over the shower bar........"Hey Moms in the hall!"
He says something about mad as he squirts back down
but I'm high up the bath wall, then.....face to face with a frown.
My Mother, it seems is upset with her boys.
"The bathroom is flooded! No bathing, just noise!
Get out of the tub! Get ready for bed!
I've had it to here!" her hand over her head.
My mother turned-round, and left the bathroom
our laughter and play time had now turned to gloom.
So Dale climbed out, down the hall to our room,
you'd think he'd dry off.....but Mom just assumes.
I remove my pajamas, cause they weigh eighty pounds,
from the back of the door I put on Moms gown.
It's smooth and it's silky, it fits me just right,
I'm now Super-Hero, I'll fight crime and save lives.
The first evil I'll right is that arch-villain in my room.
I run down the hall, burst the door open........KABOOM!
And there's my little Brother, crying in our bed
"Mommy's like you! She doesn't like me either!" he said.
It was there at that moment my thoughts changed of my brother,
he cared what I thought, and the feelings of Mother.
His little heart was broken, his feelings torn apart
and I felt so sorry for him that I planned a new start.
He's my little Brother and he's part of me,
united together, we're stronger than three.
He's now my best friend, and we'll always stick together,
and Mom loves us both, but........she loves me way better!
Bob Niles
bobby did this
Of my younger brothers, of which I have two
one found by the road, one bought from the zoo
It's the one that Mom bought, that I'd like to mention
he lives in my room, and creates lots of tension.
I'm older than him, by almost two years.
And a lot taller side by side in the mirror,
I can run faster and climb higher in trees,
I want to be different, he wants to be me.
"I need my own room!" I say to my Mom.
"Sharing with Dale is lacking in fun!"
She pats my head and says back with a smile
"Fat chance of that one, my dear funny child."
So I phone up the zoo "Do you take things back?
You see it's my Mother, it's judgement she lacks."
So they look through their books for just such a sale,
they look and they looked, but they couldn't find Dale.
I think of plan "B", involving shovel and sack,
as I lay on my bed of which Dale has half.
I'm thinking it over, this plan should work fine,
then down from the stairs my Mom yells...."Bath-time!"
Of all things shared, this ones the worst!
Someone doesn't like me,....I really feel cursed!
I share my bath water with my little brother.
"It saves on the gas bill," or so says my Mother.
So it starts with a fight, deep end or not,
the deep end has taps, a plug and a spout.
But the plug rules the depth, and the taps control heat,
so it's the best end for the eldest to seat.
I put on my pajamas, and climb in the bath,
my shallow end brother he giggles and laughs.
My pajamas you see have long ears and big feet
bright pink, real fuzzy with a tear in the seat.
With my back to the taps I now face my Brother,
we're both in the tub, but not is the water.
"Hey floppy ears!" he says "Lets get this bath started!"
I stood up, turned round, bent over, and............put in the plug.
Now the same thing happens every bath night
we start having contests,we start having fights.
"I held my breath longer!" "I spit water further!"
"Bobby made me eat soap! I want him for murder!"
"Don't tell Mom! Don't tell Mom! I'll give you a quarter
she'll hear us fooling around and kick us out of the water.
Besides it's big wave time, the time you like best,
we'll ride the soapy wave that curls and crests."
Big wave time is started with a back-n-forth motion,
each brother at an end of this bubbling soapy ocean.
I slide toward Dale with water in tow
which pushes him backwards, up the bath wall he goes.
Dale and the water then re-enter the tub
which pushes me back, full speed at the plug!
I slide to the left, clear plug spout and taps,
so high up the bath wall Dale stands up and claps.
"Get ready!" I shout "Here come a big wave!
Up the back wall it'll shoot you our positions will trade."
Down past the taps and the spout, scratch my face on the plug,
in less than a second........I'm alone in the tub.
No water. No Dale. They,re up the back wall,
he's over the shower bar........"Hey Moms in the hall!"
He says something about mad as he squirts back down
but I'm high up the bath wall, then.....face to face with a frown.
My Mother, it seems is upset with her boys.
"The bathroom is flooded! No bathing, just noise!
Get out of the tub! Get ready for bed!
I've had it to here!" her hand over her head.
My mother turned-round, and left the bathroom
our laughter and play time had now turned to gloom.
So Dale climbed out, down the hall to our room,
you'd think he'd dry off.....but Mom just assumes.
I remove my pajamas, cause they weigh eighty pounds,
from the back of the door I put on Moms gown.
It's smooth and it's silky, it fits me just right,
I'm now Super-Hero, I'll fight crime and save lives.
The first evil I'll right is that arch-villain in my room.
I run down the hall, burst the door open........KABOOM!
And there's my little Brother, crying in our bed
"Mommy's like you! She doesn't like me either!" he said.
It was there at that moment my thoughts changed of my brother,
he cared what I thought, and the feelings of Mother.
His little heart was broken, his feelings torn apart
and I felt so sorry for him that I planned a new start.
He's my little Brother and he's part of me,
united together, we're stronger than three.
He's now my best friend, and we'll always stick together,
and Mom loves us both, but........she loves me way better!
Bob Niles
bobby did this
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Hair Today Gone Tomorrow, But Back in a Week
Hair Today Gone Tomorrow, But Back in a Week
I am a firm believer that ignorance is the key to happiness. My wife, when the children were teenagers, went to great lengths to keep my levels of knowledge about them at a bare minimum. Her spending habits and an accurate count of her pairs of shoes are to me like my knowledge about quantum physics. In short I'm a happy man.
Ignorance is bliss.
Then one dark fateful day (it was actually sunny) everything changed. I stood in front of the wife's makeup mirror with my reading glasses on. It's the mirror that has one side normal and the other side is life altering depressing. It makes that face, the one I cover in shave cream then scratch all the white off then go about my day without a care, look like my dads face. But, also has the ability to make us look like the witch that lives far back in the woods, under a large fallen tree with hair growing out of spots that aren't suppose to have hair.
What the heck happened to my youth? And,...Oh, that's where all the hair that left my head wound up! And why am I questioning and yelling at my inflated image in a little mirror!? Like I could change the course of time by yelling at an image of my Dad. But it's not my Dad, it's me!
I was happy before I combined my reading glasses and this awful makeup mirror. I was hot! Oh No....did I leave the house looking like this? Hair in...no out,of, my, nose. Even on my nose. These hairs were not there yesterday! They couldn't of been!
These odd mutant hair growths only happen to....well, mutants. Mutants are the ones with abundant hair growth from their ears and nose. We're my Mom and Dad brother and sister? Something's not right here.
And what makes my totally unnatural hair placement bad is that it's white. You people with dark to black hair can see immediately when a rouge hair appears. More often than not its darker than your skin and looks like a black felt pen line has appeared on your, or from your nose, ear, eyebrow or just randomly any odd spot on your face. But to have hair that's pretty much invisible until sunlight reflects back a linear beacon that advertises to all that a follicle abnormality is on the lose, it's just not fair. I have to wait till the sun is shining into the bathroom to properly remove these invisible indoor hairs that go outdoors of my nose and ears.
And then there's the procedure itself, do you cut, pull or wax them?
The only thing I wax is my car. And up until now I've only removed hair by razor and scissors. The whole pulling idea seems very painful but I'm thinking permanent. And since my razor can't fit in my nose, pulling it is.
I have to wait for a sunny day when the light is streaming in able to light up the offending follicles. Then I check off the list. Glasses? Check. Maximized inflated image looking back at me in make up mirror, ...check. Tweezers found in and among wife's brushes, powders, nail clippers and things I have no idea what they do,...check. Locate and remove first nasal hair....yank!
That's all I can remember for at least five minutes.
I got my (the wife's) tweezers on that rascal of a hair and yanked and my eyes immediately teared up, I let out some sort of Tarzan scream and fell to my knees on the bathroom floor. It was at least five minutes before before I could check the damage I did ripping half my nose off. What? My nose is still on. The offending hair? It's still there! Only now it has a curl to it!
I pick myself off the floor, bite on the handle of a toothbrush (not mine) locate the now curly hair, brace myself and pull. Again time passes but I'm unaware of it as I come about in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. Check magnifying mirror..gone, the hair is gone! ONE. Now on to two.
By three and four my nose is now numb to pain and I've managed to pull the last one without putting a curl on it first. In between 10 and 20 somewhere I pulled on a nose hair that I swear was connected to an eyebrow. How is this happening to my body?
After,.. who nose (get it?) how long I figure my twin nasal cavities are fairly follicle free. Here I assumed as my eyes were full of tears and unable to see the horrid magnifying mirror. I was going on the fact that when I insert the tweezers to their full length and squeeze and every other depth the tweezers could attain it returned empty. Thank The Good Lord that that's done. Now on to eyebrows and ears.
I was happy (?) I had done the nose first as eyebrows and ears were not half as painful. I did find it hard in making the decision of where to stop plucking my eyebrows and trying to maintain continuity between the two. It ended with one eye looking surprised and the other angry. Kind of like I was angry at being surprised or surprised about being angry.
With my ears I could never really see inside to pluck and pull but went by sound. Wiggling the tweezers in my ear hole would catch a hair and make a sound that would cause me to blindly search and pluck to stop the sound. After I couldn't hear anymore I convinced myself I was hair free or I had gone too deep into my ear with the tweezers and caused permanent hearing loss.
I must say I was surprise to find half a Q-Tip in my left ear. This would explain why my Mother ended every tirade about the state of my bedroom as a kid with a 'What are you deaf?'
Having finished nose, eyebrows and ears I was now at ease knowing, because I had plucked, that hair would never grow again, and an afternoon like I just had would never happen again.
Oh, and the tweezers I found that my wife uses to remove hair from the bathtub drain, (I didn't know that then) they created infections in my nose painful enough as to make me cry every time I breathed in through my nose. I couldn't touch my nose and prayed I wouldn't sneeze or have to blow it. It was a week before I could, to the best of ones ability, enjoy my young looking, hair free nose. Why I even have enough self confidence to stand in front of that horrible mirror with my reading glasses on ....No! Is that hair! I plucked! That means its gone forever, right?! What's happening! I'm a Mutant!
Bob Niles
I am a firm believer that ignorance is the key to happiness. My wife, when the children were teenagers, went to great lengths to keep my levels of knowledge about them at a bare minimum. Her spending habits and an accurate count of her pairs of shoes are to me like my knowledge about quantum physics. In short I'm a happy man.
Ignorance is bliss.
Then one dark fateful day (it was actually sunny) everything changed. I stood in front of the wife's makeup mirror with my reading glasses on. It's the mirror that has one side normal and the other side is life altering depressing. It makes that face, the one I cover in shave cream then scratch all the white off then go about my day without a care, look like my dads face. But, also has the ability to make us look like the witch that lives far back in the woods, under a large fallen tree with hair growing out of spots that aren't suppose to have hair.
What the heck happened to my youth? And,...Oh, that's where all the hair that left my head wound up! And why am I questioning and yelling at my inflated image in a little mirror!? Like I could change the course of time by yelling at an image of my Dad. But it's not my Dad, it's me!
I was happy before I combined my reading glasses and this awful makeup mirror. I was hot! Oh No....did I leave the house looking like this? Hair in...no out,of, my, nose. Even on my nose. These hairs were not there yesterday! They couldn't of been!
These odd mutant hair growths only happen to....well, mutants. Mutants are the ones with abundant hair growth from their ears and nose. We're my Mom and Dad brother and sister? Something's not right here.
And what makes my totally unnatural hair placement bad is that it's white. You people with dark to black hair can see immediately when a rouge hair appears. More often than not its darker than your skin and looks like a black felt pen line has appeared on your, or from your nose, ear, eyebrow or just randomly any odd spot on your face. But to have hair that's pretty much invisible until sunlight reflects back a linear beacon that advertises to all that a follicle abnormality is on the lose, it's just not fair. I have to wait till the sun is shining into the bathroom to properly remove these invisible indoor hairs that go outdoors of my nose and ears.
And then there's the procedure itself, do you cut, pull or wax them?
The only thing I wax is my car. And up until now I've only removed hair by razor and scissors. The whole pulling idea seems very painful but I'm thinking permanent. And since my razor can't fit in my nose, pulling it is.
I have to wait for a sunny day when the light is streaming in able to light up the offending follicles. Then I check off the list. Glasses? Check. Maximized inflated image looking back at me in make up mirror, ...check. Tweezers found in and among wife's brushes, powders, nail clippers and things I have no idea what they do,...check. Locate and remove first nasal hair....yank!
That's all I can remember for at least five minutes.
I got my (the wife's) tweezers on that rascal of a hair and yanked and my eyes immediately teared up, I let out some sort of Tarzan scream and fell to my knees on the bathroom floor. It was at least five minutes before before I could check the damage I did ripping half my nose off. What? My nose is still on. The offending hair? It's still there! Only now it has a curl to it!
I pick myself off the floor, bite on the handle of a toothbrush (not mine) locate the now curly hair, brace myself and pull. Again time passes but I'm unaware of it as I come about in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. Check magnifying mirror..gone, the hair is gone! ONE. Now on to two.
By three and four my nose is now numb to pain and I've managed to pull the last one without putting a curl on it first. In between 10 and 20 somewhere I pulled on a nose hair that I swear was connected to an eyebrow. How is this happening to my body?
After,.. who nose (get it?) how long I figure my twin nasal cavities are fairly follicle free. Here I assumed as my eyes were full of tears and unable to see the horrid magnifying mirror. I was going on the fact that when I insert the tweezers to their full length and squeeze and every other depth the tweezers could attain it returned empty. Thank The Good Lord that that's done. Now on to eyebrows and ears.
I was happy (?) I had done the nose first as eyebrows and ears were not half as painful. I did find it hard in making the decision of where to stop plucking my eyebrows and trying to maintain continuity between the two. It ended with one eye looking surprised and the other angry. Kind of like I was angry at being surprised or surprised about being angry.
With my ears I could never really see inside to pluck and pull but went by sound. Wiggling the tweezers in my ear hole would catch a hair and make a sound that would cause me to blindly search and pluck to stop the sound. After I couldn't hear anymore I convinced myself I was hair free or I had gone too deep into my ear with the tweezers and caused permanent hearing loss.
I must say I was surprise to find half a Q-Tip in my left ear. This would explain why my Mother ended every tirade about the state of my bedroom as a kid with a 'What are you deaf?'
Having finished nose, eyebrows and ears I was now at ease knowing, because I had plucked, that hair would never grow again, and an afternoon like I just had would never happen again.
Oh, and the tweezers I found that my wife uses to remove hair from the bathtub drain, (I didn't know that then) they created infections in my nose painful enough as to make me cry every time I breathed in through my nose. I couldn't touch my nose and prayed I wouldn't sneeze or have to blow it. It was a week before I could, to the best of ones ability, enjoy my young looking, hair free nose. Why I even have enough self confidence to stand in front of that horrible mirror with my reading glasses on ....No! Is that hair! I plucked! That means its gone forever, right?! What's happening! I'm a Mutant!
Bob Niles
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
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