Hair Today Gone Tomorrow, But Back in a Week

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow, But Back in a Week

I am a firm believer that ignorance is the key to happiness. My wife, when the children were teenagers, went to great lengths to keep my levels of knowledge about them at a bare minimum. Her spending habits and an accurate count of her pairs of shoes are to me like my knowledge about quantum physics. In short I'm a happy man.
Ignorance is bliss.
Then one dark fateful day (it was actually sunny) everything changed. I stood in front of the wife's makeup mirror with my reading glasses on. It's the mirror that has one side normal and the other side is life altering depressing. It makes that face, the one I cover in shave cream then scratch all the white off then go about my day without a care, look like my dads face. But, also has the ability to make us look like the witch that lives far back in the woods, under a large fallen tree with hair growing out of spots that aren't suppose to have hair.
What the heck happened to my youth? And,...Oh, that's where all the hair that left my head wound up! And why am I questioning and yelling at my inflated image in a little mirror!? Like I could change the course of time by yelling at an image of my Dad. But it's not my Dad, it's me!
I was happy before I combined my reading glasses and this awful makeup mirror. I was hot! Oh No....did I leave the house looking like this? Hair in...no out,of, my, nose. Even on my nose. These hairs were not there yesterday! They couldn't of been!
These odd mutant hair growths only happen to....well, mutants. Mutants are the ones with abundant hair growth from their ears and nose. We're my Mom and Dad brother and sister? Something's not right here.
And what makes my totally unnatural hair placement bad is that it's white. You people with dark to black hair can see immediately when a rouge hair appears. More often than not its darker than your skin and looks like a black felt pen line has appeared on your, or from your nose, ear, eyebrow or just randomly any odd spot on your face. But to have hair that's pretty much invisible until sunlight reflects back a linear beacon that advertises to all that a follicle abnormality is on the lose, it's just not fair. I have to wait till the sun is shining into the bathroom to properly remove these invisible indoor hairs that go outdoors of my nose and ears.
And then there's the procedure itself, do you cut, pull or wax them?
The only thing I wax is my car. And up until now I've only removed hair by razor and scissors. The whole pulling idea seems very painful but I'm thinking permanent. And since my razor can't fit in my nose, pulling it is.
I have to wait for a sunny day when the light is streaming in able to light up the offending follicles. Then I check off the list. Glasses? Check. Maximized inflated image looking back at me in make up mirror, ...check. Tweezers found in and among wife's brushes, powders, nail clippers and things I have no idea what they do,...check. Locate and remove first nasal hair....yank!
That's all I can remember for at least five minutes.
I got my (the wife's) tweezers on that rascal of a hair and yanked and my eyes immediately teared up, I let out some sort of Tarzan scream and fell to my knees on the bathroom floor. It was at least five minutes before before I could check the damage I did ripping half my nose off. What? My nose is still on. The offending hair? It's still there! Only now it has a curl to it!
I pick myself off the floor, bite on the handle of a toothbrush (not mine) locate the now curly hair, brace myself and pull. Again time passes but I'm unaware of it as I come about in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. Check magnifying mirror..gone, the hair is gone! ONE. Now on to two.
By three and four my nose is now numb to pain and I've managed to pull the last one without putting a curl on it first. In between 10 and 20 somewhere I pulled on a nose hair that I swear was connected to an eyebrow. How is this happening to my body?
After,.. who nose (get it?) how long I figure my twin nasal cavities are fairly follicle free. Here I assumed as my eyes were full of tears and unable to see the horrid magnifying mirror. I was going on the fact that when I insert the tweezers to their full length and squeeze and every other depth the tweezers could attain it returned empty. Thank The Good Lord that that's done. Now on to eyebrows and ears.
I was happy (?) I had done the nose first as eyebrows and ears were not half as painful. I did find it hard in making the decision of where to stop plucking my eyebrows and trying to maintain continuity between the two. It ended with one eye looking surprised and the other angry. Kind of like I was angry at being surprised or surprised about being angry.
With my ears I could never really see inside to pluck and pull but went by sound. Wiggling the tweezers in my ear hole would catch a hair and make a sound that would cause me to blindly search and pluck to stop the sound. After I couldn't hear anymore I convinced myself I was hair free or I had gone too deep into my ear with the tweezers and caused permanent hearing loss.
I must say I was surprise to find half a Q-Tip in my left ear. This would explain why my Mother ended every tirade about the state of my bedroom as a kid with a 'What are you deaf?'
Having finished nose, eyebrows and ears I was now at ease knowing, because I had plucked, that hair would never grow again, and an afternoon like I just had would never happen again.
Oh, and the tweezers I found that my wife uses to remove hair from the bathtub drain, (I didn't know that then) they created infections in my nose painful enough as to make me cry every time I breathed in through my nose. I couldn't touch my nose and prayed I wouldn't sneeze or have to blow it. It was a week before I could, to the best of ones ability, enjoy my young looking, hair free nose. Why I even have enough self confidence to stand in front of that horrible mirror with my reading glasses on ....No! Is that hair! I plucked! That means its gone forever, right?! What's happening! I'm a Mutant!


Bob Niles