Many of us here in Vancouver are faced with an unusual situation. The situation being that the old house next door was demolished, then a new one was built and sold, but nobody moved in. And now we all of a sudden live in a fancy neighbourhood with no neighbours! Or, part time neighbours that just live next door once in awhile. Neighbours that are gone months at a time and leave their large investment in The City of Vancouver's real estate in your care.
"Fools!" my wife calls them. "Who would dare leave there beautiful house, worth almost 3 million dollars, in the care of an nincompoop like you? Fools!"
No argument here. But I'm not a complete nincompoop, I've developed my limited level of nincompoop-ary through years of paternal training. My Dad was the best at messing up any and all jobs Mom gave him. His motto was 'Get it wrong the first time and she'll phone someone the second time to have it done right.' Besides they didn't ask me to redo their house plumbing.
My wife's also mad cause they gave me a key to their house to....? I forget. But now it's become my second home. I hauled my TV over and bought an extra 100 ft. of coaxial cable. Now I get all my TV stations in HDPnQ. High Definition Peace-n-Quiet.
And the longer they're away the more it's like home to me. After the second month of their absence the wife and I barely see each other as I have taken up full residence in their home. A situation that the wife is jealous of because I live in a nicer home than her. And a situation that almost got me arrested.
I'm in their house (because I now live there) having a long hot shower, when some idiot comes in their driveway and lays on the horn. You run from the shower ( soaking wet because you forgot to bring a towel with you) and wrap yourself in the curtains to find out what nincompoop making all the hullabaloo. And it's them! My part-time neighbours.
Their horn is blaring because your brother-in-laws broken down motor home is blocking the driveway.
You quickly paste your clothes on ( it looks like that when you dress wet) and run out the back door, in an effort to hide your somewhat illegal entry. And in doing so forgetting to remove the nice neighbour lady's shower cap. "Welcome home!" you suggest as you suddenly remember, and remove the ill-gotten shower cap. And it's at this very moment you realize the gravity of the situation.
The motor home's in the driveway because it's transmission is in their carport. An electrical cord is running from their house to your teenagers room to power some very bright lights (some sort of science project he says). Their 16 piece patio furniture set is still at your mother-in-laws. Your filling your in ground pool from their hose. There's still a load of laundry in their washer, one on top of their dryer and one in the dryer. You still haven't cleaned up from the party you had in their back-yard two weeks ago. The toilets plugged to overflowing. The grass you said you'd cut and water is so far just an empty promise. And then all of a sudden you remember why they gave you their key. Something about making a commitment to feed and water their cat Mitsy.
All this plus you've rented their basement out to a non-English speaking, perhaps Eastern European, perhaps drug underworld, perhaps violent and somewhat shady character till the end of the week.
Lucky for you your neighbors don't speak English. Which for a time (or maybe longer) is going to save your butt. Oh they'll look at you funny for a long time, and never leave anything in you care again (something the wife already knew 'Fools'). And sometime in the far distant future they'll get over Mitsy. A long haired cream coloured Persian cat last seen in and around 38th and Carnarvon St. With the possibility of a reward, or will take care of your house for an extended period while absent. Anyone?
Bob Niles.
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