Fwd: This will look good under heavy boxes

           "Thank-you very much. This will look good under heavy boxes in the garage."

"Why thank-you so much, but you really shouldn't have." But because you've screwed up so much this year on the job you figured this gift under $25 should compensate for losing the Griffin contract. Oh look, you're still smiling at me. I'm thinking you want me to open this now, and here's me  run out of ways to try and sound gracious. Quick! Think of something else to say. She's waiting for you to open,..what probably is a paper weight. It's heavy. It's small. Yep it's a paper weight. Now hold it to the light. Show other people around the room and ooooo and awwwwww over it. "This is exactly what I needed! You know how windy it can get in the office." If ever a window on the 27th floor were ever to have someone jump through it trying to escape this lame office Christmas party.
Yes boys and girls it's that time of year again. A time when adults are inundated with gifts they never really wanted. Useless gifts for around $25 that retailers make 27% of their annual revenue from. Gifts so lame and unnecessary they have to be given by a secret Santa. Is it anything like a Victoria's secret? Or is Santa in some witness protection program from young school children. Little tykes who laid open their hearts to ole St. Nick at the shopping mall, who of recent years found out he was a fraud? Are the beard and suit just a cleaver disguise?
Well I know how to pick out secret Santa's in the stores. They're the ones standing in front of coffee mugs with the stupid sayings. They're the ones humming and hawing over which Chia Pet the guy in book keeping would want. Want? Or they're the ones all happy with themselves over the 'Breaking Bad' cutting board with 'Let's Cook' written on it that they got for $10 off an already over the top asking price. And to my wife, I only followed that women into Victoria Secret because I thought it had something to do with a secret Santa. It was research for this story. How was I to know she was going to ask me my opinion on bras.
Yes the good people of Asia, -who make this crap-, thank you for buying everyone you know a little something.
It's a chance for them to use up left over material from cell phones and TVs and,...well everything else you bought in the last year. Then they make some piece of crap from it, rather than filling their dump sites with it. They then ship it over here, and we give it to people we care about. Just don't let little Jessica chew on her doll as there has been trouble with the paint in past years.
And if you just can't find that perfect piece of junk to wrap up all pretty, for the love of candy canes  don't ask for help from anyone in the store. Because you have to know they've had staff meeting that morning where the boss is saying 'I've got a container load of this crap and I expect my loyal employees to move this junk -(Junk I got for $2 a unit and am selling it for $25, after $10 off coupon)- out the doors. Why they'll just love the after market ashtray for their Stairmaster.
Or worse yet you'll walk into a store with cash that you can spend anywhere and walk out with a plastic card equivalent to the cash you had in your pocket that can now only be spent in that store. And perhaps with the stipulation that you have only a limited time to do so. Thank you very much secret Santa. Now I have to go to a candle store and spend 45 minutes picking out a candle, I didn't want in the first place, and then had to lay out an extra $10 bucks to your generous $25 to pay for taxes and a vanilla scent which I can use to cover up the poop smell in the bathroom when guests come over. I mean, why else do you think a dude would want a candle.
I know I sound down on gifts. And I am. Especially when two fully grown people spend silly amounts on gifts neither one of them really needed. If I had wanted such a thing I'd of bought such a thing. Oh 'it's the thought that counts' you say. Then buy me a card from the dollar store and write it out. Or buy me a pork chop and say it. I'll eat eat it, have the memory and be satisfied and fed.
Or here's an idea, take the true meaning of this season and donate what you were going to give to me, in some form, and take a picture of what you did. Put that picture on your computer and challenge others to match your random act of kindness that you experienced for $25. Maybe we'll surprise ourselves on just how much this time of year brings out the best in us all.

Bob Niles