Game of Thrones With a Royal Flush
And flush..........
And flush again........, ah there's nothing like a low flush toilet. And this is nothing like a low flush toilet! It takes me two flushes to say good-bye to last nights meatloaf. Oh I didn't eat it, I'm just saying good-bye to it. Oh I know I'm not suppose to flush food down the toilet. But the 'Green Cart Guys' won't take it anymore. It jammed their grinder down at the processing plant......Twice!
So what I do with the wife's meatloaf is hammer and chisel it down to flushable pieces and say good-bye to it via la commode. But I used the wrong commode.
I have three toilets at my disposal, or is it three toilets handle my disposal? However the osal, I have three different toilets that have been installed or replaced in renovations throughout the house over the years. And I have found that all toilets are not created equal.
Now when I say all my commodes are different I don't mean in colour. It's not the Harvest Gold versus the Avocado Green against the Fawn Beige of our youth. But toilets that differ in age, function and water consumption.
Some years back the wife, creator of all weekend jobs, wanted to update the main bathroom. We (me) took out a perfectly good toilet to replace it with one of the early low-flow models. I don't know it's name or model, but we've knighted it as the ring-a-round toilet. It will, after two low-flow flushes, do what's required of it. Without getting too graphic it just barely works as long as you don't try to flush toilet paper by itself. Toilet paper alone in its bowl just spins around and around and would stay there for eternity if nothing else was offered to the ring-a-round toilet.
It should be replaced with the newer models of today but I keep it as a 'Well look what happened last time we renovated!' reminder to the creator of weekend jobs.
Last year we (I) replaced the ensuite toilet because it had become such an energy user. My energy! I had tried to save her by spending hours trying to get the float valve from sticking to the sides of the tank. The flapper to sit right and the chain from flipping off every time I flushed it.
It got to be quite the routine with every use. One I was willing to live with! After every flush I would take the fake flowers and doily off the tank, lift lid and place on floor. Put the chain back on the leaver, fiddle with the flapper and stop the float from sticking to the side of the tank. Replace lid, doily and fake flowers....TA DA! Who needs a new toilet! We (I) do, the wife said.
So it was off to the Homehandymanhardware super store in search of a new throne. And after much looking and no trying we bought a low flush elongated white one. This new one has a toilet tank a little bigger than a bread box. Ya right what's a bread box? How about two old VCRs taped together. Remember them?
So its back home and off with the old and on with the new. Thank-you super home reno store! You gave me the tools to do it myself and now I'm back buying a new floor for the bathroom because the old toilet base was much bigger than the new one, and now there's a gaping hole in the carpet in front of the new toilet that the old toilet had covered. On the bright side the carpet was getting a bit funky anyway, but on the other side, it is hard trying to find a shag the same colour.
This toilet flushes on two tablespoons of water! And its noisy! It creates a sucking sound when flushed that can be re-created by your tongue on the roof of you mouth and breathing in. It sounds like someone is having some sort of medical problem that deserves a 911 call. I have never seen a toilet flush with so little water. And, it came with a plunger!
Our (my) best toilet and friend in time of need, is the one that commands the most respect, and is also the oldest. It has to be 50 yrs. old! It's down in the basement in a small, built in the 60s, add on bathroom. You have to take a step up to get to it as the plumbing had to be raised because we were on septic tank at the time. And this monster deserves the step up. This thing could flush a whole roll of paper towels! I bet it could flush a two and a half foot 2 by 4 down its chasmic gaping throat. It's a 'Royal Flush' with such strength that it sucks the bowls dry of the other two toilets. And being on a water meter it probably costs me a buck and a half to do 'Royal Flush' each time. But it's a one flush job master. When you start this thing in motion, by using both hands to flip the leaver on the tank, the whole house knows of its roar. It announces its awakening to the completely deaf by the lights going dim and then start to flicker off and on in fear. This remover of waste or as its known to us as Big John, was designed when the buffalo was cooked in 40 pound roasts, not fried on wings. Made for an Al Bundy eating hungry man meals, not the low flush tofu, sushi eaters of today.
With Big John, if you don't come into the bathroom with your hat off, it'll take it off for you!
I said all that to say this...why is it that when I buy a toilet I can't test flush a toilet? You can go to a show room and look at lovely toilets but if you want to flush one you have to go in the staff washroom. They have samples of lighting lit up for all to see. And we all know a lamp turned on is just a little bit brighter than a lamp turned off. It's pretty much the same. That pretty white toilet installed in your new renovation looks just like the one on the show room floor, but it's not until you light it up.......that you realize the nature of the beast.
And flush.... And again.
Bob Niles
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