What Kind of Shaver Would You Like,...The Ball Kind?

What Kind of Shaver Would You Like,...The Ball Kind?


As a kid I would watch my Dad shave his face with an incredibly sharp butter knife. I'm sure it was a razor blade but to a kid it looked like a table knife that we used to spread jam on our toast with. He never told me different. He just told me not to touch it and if he caught me doing so he'd hit me with something that looked like a piece of wood.
I think back to that time as I find myself in the grocery store looking at a wall of ways to shave my face and anything else I can reach and see. Hair is out and skin as smooth as butter is in. And boy do they have the choices to make it so.
Two blades, three blades, four and five, that all promise a smooth comfortable shave. Razors I can throw away that come in many different colors. Razors that have huge heads, the size of a small hoe, that promise the best shave ever. Men's razors and women's razors with weird shaped handles that use the word silky to describe their finished result.
It was,...well I'm not sure how long, but long enough to encourage a store clerk to ask if she may be of some service. To which I responded in an affirmative manner. I told her I was looking for a new razor and I think it was everything she could do not to say 'Well DAH!'. I told her I had an old two bladed model which again I'm sure she really could of cared less how I achieve my non Duck Dynasty look.
At this point she took matters into her own hands and directed me over to the latests shaving sensation of the year. "Maybe," she said while assuming the stance of a 'Price is Right' model "the new Gillette ball kind of shaver is what you're looking for."
Well I should of blushed but didn't. All I want is a razor for my face I told her.
She blushed. Then assured me that my face was the main location that this razor was designed for. It has four razors attached to a ball that follows the curves of your face that keep the cutting edge at a perfect angle. It has all new scientific flex ball technology she says. Okay okay I say, lets go with scientific progress.
First the wife's vacuum now my razor, seems like a funny progression for the ball to take in making our life better. You'd of thought it would of been vacuum, lawn mower then razor.
It was later that afternoon the wife and I are watching the TV and on comes this commercial of these guys making all these funny faces. It turned out that's what men look like trying to get the best shave. Then on comes my new razor and I get all excited and tell the Mrs. that that is what I just bought. A ball shaver thing that has four incredibly sharp blades stuck to it. Her excitement was underwhelming. 'Big deal my ball on my vacuum is bigger than your ball razor any day!' she touted. Sheeeeesh!
Admitting defeat I excuse myself and she says she didn't smell anything. After 24 yrs. of marriage it never gets old.
I decided to see what all the hype is about with my new razor. I load up my face with with shaving cream and with my razor in hand I put to test this new flex ball technology.
I watch myself in the mirror as the shaving foam comes off with each pass of the razor. But it's as if I'm shaving someone else's face! It looks like me (well after 59 yrs., more like my Dad). But the shaving experience is missing. I'm removing the stubble from my face but it's like I've had a stroke and lost the feeling in that part of my body. More and more the shaving cream falls from my face reveling my Dad. It's like I just shaved a picture of my Dad! I touch my, now smooth as butter, face with my finger. Yup, I feel that, it's me alright but what just happened? Where was the pulling? The bleeding? The little pieces of toilet paper stuck to my face,...not there!
If a blind person came up and read my face they'd think I was the ugliest baby in the world. I'm smooth,...I'm silky smooth! Like b-u-t-t-e-r.
Day after day I looked forward to shaving that picture of my dad in the mirror. It was my daily out of body experience where the routine had turned to something of a pleasure.
But alas, after many shaves my own face started to again appear. The blades were getting dull and I could feel the shave returning. To be fair, the blades lasted an incredibly long time shaving my ugly mug and I think once or twice on the wife's legs.
I asked the wife to pick me up some of the blades for my face glider while she was out at the mall the next day. She returned with 6+2 plastic double bladed disposable razors!
Said my happy blades cost too much.
No! No! I cry, I can't go back I've been to the other side. I want to shave that picture of my Dad in the mirror!
Well use these up and then we'll by your precious blades she said.
That was four weeks ago and I still haven't opened the 6+2 package of shaving hell. Im growing a beard! I'll show her what it's like to live in Duck Dynasty! It's just a matter of time before she breaks.
Please break. I've never scratched so much! How do them Duck guys stand it? I want my flex ball Gillette back!

Bob Niles